more journaling- upcomming events

horrifying next few months. things i have not done before, meeting a friend in person for the first time, ANOTHER doctor's appointment, and traveling across states to go to a wedding ← agoraphobia nightmare

determining what is paranoia and what is rational fear is difficult too. i'm disabled, clinically insane, and badly immunocompromised. what constitutes a 'safe' level of exposure to contaminates? what kind of situation that i can not get out of myself is safe? how far can i push myself reasonably? should i consider it an inevitability to push myself into things that i know will trigger me, or should i avoid those things? 
i know there isnt an easy answer to that. i'm well aware it's conditional; it's the grey area that  truly scares me. that fear is exacerbated by my lack of experience in these things, not that it's better when i can see the patterns that follow experience. some of the things i'll be doing are things i've been through and that's why it's scary. i've rarely had anything but bad experiences related to them. is it better to believe it'll go well only to have a meltdown when it doesnt? or is maintaining my general neutral pessimism the better option? 
i'm inclined to say it's better to keep my usual temperament considering how much more even keeled it makes me. i try not to let it affect the way i enjoy things because even if i'm 'pessimistic' i hold the belief that happiness is happiness. it's rare and should be indulged in for the fleeting moments i experience it. i wish i could afford to have a better outlook. i wish i could be social. i wish i could afford basic amenities, support myself, gain weight, ask for help. 

i wish there was a way out of the mental and physical constraints. truly i do.

it feels greedy to ask for that. i cant provide it and it'd take an insane amount of effort from external help to ease any of this.