school rant (2/18/26)

ok so before i really get into what's bothering me, i think i need to like... elaborate that i am mentally ill and physically compromised. not normal! cannot be treated like a normal student!! i'm writing here mostly to get it off my chest somewhere without really burdening a specific person about it.

   i'm one of the leads for my school's musical production this year. since it's my senior year, they're very adamant on me being involved and getting the spotlight, while also trying to adjust to my deteriorating physical wellbeing. because of this, i've been double-casted. i do 2 shows, and the other lead does 2 shows (4 in total). that hasn't stressed me out as much as i expected, mostly because i'm not responsible for teaching the other lead what they missed when they're not at practice. 

   the tough part is my other lead also has issues, and can be really annoying. i love them to bits but the way they talk to me has seriously been an issue lately. they're more able than me and therefore can do more than i can, but it results in disagreements with poses and blocking and what we're doing during rehearsal. they're also incredibly indecisive and can randomly change what they're doing, which frustrates and confuses me. i can't predict what they're going to do, i can't prepare myself. we don't clash well. 

   my music and production directors have become an issue too. again, love them all to bits, but they struggle with listening to me and my input to the point i have to bring my mom into it to try to sway them. they want me to wear a wig for the show (both me and the other lead have short hair already? and the character we're playing has had short hair in many different productions?). wigs are a huge sensory issue. i complain a lot to them about it and how i cannot work with that, but they don't want to listen. its to the point where i might ditch the wig last second on show night, and if they get mad, then oh well, not like i'll be in your show next year since i'm graduating, so you can't discipline me for it the next year. they also really push time and dont leave a few minutes to gather our stuff before the next class. i have really bad anxiety when it comes to deadlines and being late to the point where i've almost had multiple breakdowns just because i only had 1 minute before the bell rang to move on. it's stupid but it's serious to me. 

   so much of this are huge non issues and it sucks how much things like these impact me. i've had such a bad headache over all of this and stuff outside of school.