inner reflection is being forgotten

i truly believe that people are forgetting how to reflect on themselves, i was having a conversation with one of my friends who we are gonna call sam. sam has anxiety and pretty low self esteem, they have always been incredibly dependant on what others think of them. they become obsessive and self destructive when things (or people) dont go their way, theyve never had a true support system or even a close friend (not including myself for reasons i will explain in a minute). we often have conversations about how they feel unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and generally dont deserve happiness, life, or anything really. sam is quite delusional as well, believing that if they just try hard enough, and change themselves enough someone, usually the person they are pinning for, will desire them.

the reason i dont call myself a close friend of theirs is because they were hopelessly in love with me for years. to the point were it was destroying our friendship and my own personal relationships, we quit speaking for a couple of years before reconnecting again. since then everything has been normal in our friendship but theyve told, and shown me things that will never let me see them the same again. most of which being about me, the friends, and relationships i had before we parted ways. i keep a hefty distance between us now because i fear getting to close may accidentally reignite their feelings for me which i never have and never will be able to reciprocate.

now that you have an understanding of them and our relationship i can finally get to my point. sam like many other people i know dont seem to reflect on their actions, or whats happened to them in their life. they dont see the connections between why they feel a certain way and why they act a certain way. when we have conversations they will clearly point out something that obviously still effects them but not understand that it does. they repeat the exact same patterns of self harm, pushing people away, running after attention, and relying on everyone around them to bring then joy. sam wants to get out of their living situation but makes zero effect to actually leave, or even try to better it. even if i were to point out exactly what it is thats making them feel or act a certain way they will argue im wrong and i have no idea what im talking about. only to get a text less than a day later usually apologising and telling me i was right.

so of course i started to look further than just sam, i began talking to my coworkers, my close friends, my family, acquaintances, and generally anyone i could get my hands on to see if they do the same. ive noticed that most people really dont connect the things theyve gone through with the way they behave and think now. they only think about the things theyve done, and not how those things have impacted them. i already see that most of the people i spoke with at the very least do not reflect on their actions at all. they talk about them as if they are nothing but a faded picture, not real actions and decisions they made in the past. people seem to think that if they change enough they can fix themselves, that if they become different enough than the version if themselves they hate they will finally be at peace.

reflecting on yourself, your actions, your words, and your beliefs is one if the only true ways to find solace to understand what happened to you that made you that way. looking inside of yourself to find the answers you can easily figure out will save you, blaming everyone around you for your problems wont. trying to change yourself wont change the things youve gone through, acceptance and understanding is the only way through. there is no cheat code, there is no magic person, no amount of self hate, or repression that will ever be able to make you love yourself, forgive yourself, or accept yourself. that work can only be done IN and THROUGH yourself, obviously having a therapist, or someone to talk to can help immensely but they cant give you the answers. the only person who can save you is yourself and the best way to save yourself is to reflect on who you are and why you are that way.