Raising yourself.

     I don't think this is talked about enough, I myself was a teen with no support. I had a loving mother, I even lived with my grandparents. I had people around, just none seemed to care enough about whether or not I became an actual person.

     I didn't quite notice this until I hit about 15 years old. When all the sudden, I had a job, because I applied and walked to the interview. There it was, that was it, my adult life started. That's what was put into my head at least. I had my own money now, my shampoo was my problem and if I wanted any special foods for the night (EX: An apple. Yes, an apple.) This was now my problem, at the age of 15. I was still in school, I was still dealing with girl drama, and worrying about a future career. 

     It wasn't until 10 months into that job that I realized I wasn't fucking ready for that. I had turned 16 already, but It didn't feel like it inside. My work place was horrible and the management was rude and unwelcoming at times, many older (and I mean OLDER) men would hit on me and it would be my fault because of how I dressed - no I'm not joking, my FEMALE head manager said this. I quit, I couldn't work there anymore and keep up with my grades (by this time, I switched online to graduate a year early so I was packed with 12 classes each semester). I decided to focus on my classes and getting the hell out of school. 

     That was the exact moment I realized I'd went 11 months with a permit, and no hours to show for it. Okay... That's fine, I've been busy, right? Wrong. It wasn't me. I had actually been asking to drive myself home from work (on the occasionally chilly night when I didn't walk home), I had asked to be the one to drive to Walmart, to literally drive anywhere. I asked, I was just never answered. But fine, no excuses anymore. I have free time, they have free time, there's no more clashing schedules so It's perfectly fine. Spoiler alert: No tf it wasn't. 

"Im sorry, I forgot we'll go on Tuesday"

Tuesday: "Im just tired today, another day"

     So on and so forth. Every. Single. Time. Frustrating that is, to sit there and want to thrive and do something with your life and the only person who can help is the one holding you back. That frustration turned to thoughts, angry thoughts. Angry thoughts turned to memories, memories that held a new understanding. I couldn't remember my mom ever teaching me to shave, to put in a tampon, to brush my teeth, when to change my bedsheets, anything. She hadn't taught me anything. I was a living, breathing, walking, talking, fucking shell. An idiot. Well, maybe not that far, my brain has never seemed to fail me. But my mother had, and I was completely clueless on how to be a person. I learnt to shave VIA YouTube when I was like 11, but I pinned that on myself. Until it was 5 years later and I thought back and the real reason I didn't speak up is because the week before my mother hit me with a, "eww oh my god look at those hairy things you need to fucking shave". Then nothing. No, "Come on let me show you". No, "Oh sorry honey I didn't realize it was time for that yet". Literally nothing. In that moment of memory, I begged for anything. Anything she could have done that saved it, but nothing.

     After that, it was like my eyes had permanently opened. I started to brush my teeth everyday, something I'm still ashamed to admit I didn't do until 16 years old, but nobody will quite understand how I never knew, I didn't know. I started to change my bed sheets every two weeks. I started watching driving videos on YouTube and then sneaking out with the car every chance I got. I watched, I worked, I provided, I thrived. In months, I was suddenly an actual person. One with a schedule, A weekly everything shower (which I had no idea existed, LOVE THOSE), a passion. I finally found myself in that now 17 year old shell, where nothing but faint memories existed. 

     I still find myself figuring out things I should have figured out years ago, maybe even a simple task. Like finding out hitting a jar with a spoon or knife can help open it. Why didn't I know that? Right, they used to laugh at me for it, not show me another direction. Anybody else going through this, know that you will never be perfect. And to be honest, that's okay. We continue to learn every day we live, just keep learning. There are so many more experiences I have overcome and am still in the process of doing (EX: I actually don't have my license yet, I'm still completely unexperienced and there are some thing I just can't quite teach myself. But, I will. Maybe not now, but soon. That's what keeps me going) 

If you are still a young girl/male who are going through these things, you are never alone. It is hard. You are stronger. If anybody needs help or support, people like me are everywhere. 

Talk, Listen, Learn.