dying but, not really? im alive!, kinda

i don't know if i can keep going, but i have to. it hurts.

heya I'm back and stuff. was supposed to be more active but life has been quite the roller-coaster.

just things like realizing I'm an antisocial fuvk and i have 0 communication skills. Ive lost all of my friends and hurt plenty i cared about twice now due to my issues with communicating.

not gon addd much detail here but lets just say i struggle to show empathy. not have empathy, just showing it. twice now Ive lost a friend who comes messaging me after a good ol time to tell me that Ive been an incredibly rude sociopathic shit who says things that are rude or passive aggressive and treats them like shit. the examples they gave are times where i had no intention to come off that way, hurting them is the last thing i wanted to do. its my fault, ultimately. i just wish they told me "hey, that wasn't nice" when it was happening and not randomly out of knowhere leave me and tell me a list of times they were upset that i didn't know of.

things incredibly escalated when i did do something really bad. i was a liar and i get they wouldn't believe me when i say I'm sorry and i was telling the truth other times, but is it okay if i feel a little bit hurt by them calling my crying while apologizing a lie, or that the typos i make piss them off, because i don't always make them? or an out of context screenshot of a skit involving me that i didn't even write (it was written by an old pal of mine) saying something be proof that i am a liar and have been an evil manipulative psychopath for years? and stuff that didn't even happen be a reason for me being cruel, because they "think i would do them"? it is my fault for what i did, but please just be mad at me for that and that alone. (i am incredibly summarizing things, there is a lot more and what i did was indeed terrible and broke their trust)

i understand them being upset and mad, I'm trying my best to apologize and show how sorry i am for what i did, but i keep getting told i haven't shown a shroud of empathy. I'm trying to, but i guess is doesn't really matter what my intentions were. Ive struggled with showing empathy and saying things better for years. i told them this at the start of our friendship. they promised me they'd tell me if i upset them with smth i said when i said it and id apologize bc i do not mean to come off that way, not bottle it up. how do i show people I'm so sorry and I'm willing to do anything to help make amends and show empathy properly? nothing i say matters to them anyway, they don't believe me. anything i do is some kind of secret evil trick.

the worst part is i would give anything to turn the clock back, not be stupid and do things right, and be friends with them again. we only knew each-other for a few months but, they found me at the perfect time. when i was pushed away by an old friend for apparently coming off as horrible for years (i had no idea) i wanted to give up on everything, they took me in, i felt so happy, i never felt such a sense of belonging. it was a group of open communication, where we talked about how we felt when we felt it. i dint think this would happen again, surely they'd tell me if i was doing smth wrong? i did do something wrong. i didn't know about, all this. i guess they expected i would, it shouldn't be that hard to understand basic social skills. like wdym you said that with innocent intentions, it sounds terrible. it doesn't matter what i tell them, i could have a heart of gold, but so does a hard boiled egg. i really ought to work on my communication. i will. i promised them that they don't believe me but i will. i don't have any will to live left in me, I'm sick of this hell like cycle with so many details I'm not adding giving me more reason to keep living and suffering over and over. its okay i promised. i just wish they'd stop telling me how we could've been such good friends and painting this image of me in my head because of one thing i did. one. it was a terrible thing but stick to the script! please!

I'm sorry, i want this to be happier. on the bright side I'm getting therapy soon and communication should improve with practice. I'm sorry if this blog sounds like I'm blaming them alot. i am but, at the same time its justified what they did.

i lost passion for everything. i want to be active more often but i can barely get out of bed. ill try though. and i want to draw but my thoughts are so loud. ill share some if i do, idk why you decided to spend time here but thanks ig.