Struggles

TW: SH, suicide

Okay I’m just gonna rant here because I don’t think I have anyone else to tell. I fear I’m suffering with some sort of mental illness. I am not a doctor and I’m not diagnosed in any way so do not take it seriously. I’ve just been really down and it’s not getting better either. I feel like I’m pushing people away with my problems and that they think I’m weird or too much trouble because I’m mentally unstable. I have less enjoyment in things and I’m just not eager to do anything at all anymore. I’d like to just lay in my bed and rot forever. Thoughts of suicide have came up in my head once again. The last time I genuinely thought it out was about two years ago or more. Back then it was really bad but I feel like it’s worse now. My feelings are not as intense and I haven’t gotten as close to actually try some stuff out but my situation is worse. I feel like my brain is just eating itself the more I think about stuff that bother me. I began SH once again which I feel like I also pushed a person very special to me away. I don’t know how to tell people I’m genuinely in pain because I don’t want to seem as attention seeking, especially since I don’t look as upset on the outside. I know the very cringe line of hiding the pain but it’s genuinely bothering me. I know too damn well no one would either believe me or they’d make it about themselves. That has happened the first time I confessed I felt suicidal. I wish I was more mentally stable or something I hate being this sad so easily. It’s little things such as seen texts without a response, misunderstandings or just school. I feel like throwing up so often it affected my appetite as well. I’m not sure how to move forward without someone to help me… I guess I am still dependent. I hate myself and I want to die.