old friends and the nature of growing distant

recently, i was talking to a friend of mine that i have a very complicated history with. we dated, broke up, we stopped talking, started again, i started crushing, got upset when i was ignored, ect ect. life got scary and then when i wanted him to be there, he wasnt. of course, this upset me, but as time wore on i realized it was because im not that important to him anymore. we arent teenagers trapped in our rooms with nothing else to do but talk circles around each other. we arent kids who just got irreparably fucked up by another kid. we're adults with lives outside our phones now. 

he was talking about these dnd characters and mentioned that the other one was a character made by his best friend. it's kind of hanging around my neck that someone else is his best friend. we've been buds for six years now, but we've grown so apart that someone else is his best friend. this is to be expected, now, because we dont even talk that often and nor are we even close anymore. and its made me realize how one sided this all is and my own dependence on him and what he thinks of me. im just a friend now. even though i consider him my best friend, in a way. 

maybe its just the nature of my friendships, to drift off forever. to be so close and then fall apart and then try again and then fall apart in the end. i dont really know. 

my coworkers are my friends, but theyre just coworkers at the end of the day. i dont really have any irl friends, not anymore, and i feel as though everyone dislikes me in some way or another. 

insecurity, i guess. i dont know. im in last place in a race that no one knew i was running in. i wish that i could just enjoy his company without thinking of how things were