🌼what's wrong with me? BPD experience

I've been through a lot lately.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning. My whole life, I've had little luck in love.

I fell in love for the first time with a close friend, certain that my feelings were mutual; she reciprocated, and we started dating. I was euphoric, but... Well. I noticed she was becoming increasingly cold towards me, asked what was wrong, and learned that she had accepted my feelings out of boredom!

A few years later, the story repeated itself with someone else.

Then again.

I don't think I intentionally got close to people with whom I had no chance. I was genuinely friends and genuinely in love, confessing only when I saw that their feelings were clearly reciprocated. All these people were completely different.

That's how my teenage years went.

...

Well, the last few years were pure hell for me. 

I started living alone, I grew up, and after years of moderate depression, I needed to learn to live in society and love life. My character and personality changed. To my surprise, I gradually began to feel joy and sadness, and these emotions turned out to be too intense.

After the dizzying affairs I had online, I settled down. Let's not mention the rollercoaster life I was on, the suicide notes I wrote, the panic attacks, the hysterics, the memory lapses, the self-harm. Gradually, I came to my senses, even if I still clung to the people who hurt me.

...

The hardest period began with my last crush. This girl showered me with attention, wrote horrible things about my loved ones, tried to take up all my time, and then suddenly cooled off and blamed me. We haven't spoken since, but she kept an eye on my social media. Each time she appeared, it was rare but precise. Then I'd start having hysterics again, self-harming.

As any wound heals, so did this one. But the ugly scar remained on my soul. Over time, I became much more stable and calmer.

When I decided that relationships and love weren't for me, I met a girl who quickly fell in love with me. She was unlike anyone I'd ever been with before. She was kind, caring, stable, and she showered me with gifts. I thought this was a great chance to learn how to live again.

At first, everything was fine. Of course, I was hasty in agreeing to date her, but I thought everything would go well. I had changed, right?

But I got bored. She didn't suddenly disappear, she didn't say bad things to me, she was just sweet and caring. I constantly felt guilty towards her. What did she see in me? I'm the complete opposite of what she deserves. And I slowly began to hate her. It angered me that she was so stable and calm. Just a couple of months of our relationship felt like a burden and a chore. While I flared up and then died down like an unstable flame, she existed calmly and steadily next to me.

Maybe I was simply looking for ways to feel alive again, and so I was generating baseless emotions and feelings toward her: hatred, hostility, disgust. I didn't show it in any way, having learned from bitter experience. I simply avoided it, withdrew into myself, experiencing it in secret.

Unfortunately, even these negative feelings weren't strong enough and didn't last very long. The condition I'd preferred to ignore quickly made itself known. Depression returned. It progressed unnoticed, and I preferred to think that this was how ordinary people lived. No intense experiences out of nowhere. Stable apathy.

Basically, it all ended with me disappearing from her life. She gave me a whole bunch of expensive and very thoughtful gifts, but I didn't even feel any shame.

I still don't feel shame or regret. I don't feel sadness or joy that it's over.

This scares me.

Okay, depression is something I can fight. I overcame it once, right? Ha, man, not today. I had plans for my life, if I remember correctly.

There's something I've been thinking about more and more often. Am I really that wrong? Am I really that different from other people? How can they fall in love with each other, enter into long-term relationships without shying away from intimacy? What's wrong with me?

Why, having somehow received the love of the perfect girl, was I so dissatisfied with her?

I'm constantly hungry, constantly unsatisfied. I don't even know what I'm striving for or what I'm expecting. Is there even one person in this world who could keep me in check but still give me the strong emotions I crave?

If not, then looking at the people around me, won't I feel like an outcast and a psycho for the rest of my life?