Why does dating feel like a threat?

Why does dating feel like a threat?

In my five years of being in the dating market, I have experienced a fascinating yet indescribable fear of intimacy some like to call - avoidant attachment.

Apart from being the oldest (parentified) child in an emotional calorie deficit home, I was expected to take care of myself growing up, and I always took joy in doing so. But these days, it's kind of coming back to haunt me in the romantic department. The smallest things, like pet names like “baby,” “darling,” or even something as innocent as “cutie” imply ownership and emotional fusion that cause the loss of autonomy and identity. This is why I always feel claustrophobic when I'm in a situation that's getting a little serious. That disparity between intimacy and authenticity makes it somewhat performative and makes me want to "get out of here." In a way, it makes me feel invisible since those generic names put me into this default role rather than seeing me as a distinct individual. The emotional overstimulation shuts down my nervous system making it look like the stock market in 2008. 

My first symptom dates back to my debut to dating economy as my first experience ever happened to be a 2-year old situationship. Yes, you read correctly. I would argue that the unpredictability of the relationship is precisely what drew me in, despite some of my friends' theories that my love life was ruined from the beginning and cannot be saved now. I discovered that the coldness, pushing and pulling back, and emotional ambiguity were all quite similar to the dynamics in my home. The worst thing is that, while I wouldn't go back, I also don't regret it at all.

Surprisingly, I am quite different when it comes to friendships. I need regular reassurance and am much more involved. There’s that freedom in friendships where there’s a lot less pressure and expectation, as well as the ability to maintain emotional boundaries and individuality. However, there are attitudes that aren't spoken but are just expected in romantic relationships, such as “you belong to me and I expect full access” and “your time, emotions, and body = mine”. These attitudes make me feel withdrawn, closed, and even disgusted. Although friendships and dating have comparable endings in my life, dating has so far triggered my attachment system more than friendships and when romance enters the picture, my mind echoes, “This could end in betrayal, control, or abandonment—better armour up.”

I used to think something was wrong with me—like maybe I wasn’t built for love the way others are. I couldn’t even find a relationship that didn’t seem performative. In my head, love should be freer, not something you earn but all i have seen is girls worrying  “If I mess up, I’ll be abandoned,” “If I show this flawed side of me, I’ll be rejected,” “If I’m not exactly what they need, I’ll lose them” , just jumping through emotional hoops that seem paralyzing. That’s why I’ve always believed in starting with friendship because it leaves more space to just be. And maybe that’s the beginning of healing too: realizing that my distance, my discomfort, even my disgust aren’t defects. They’re signals. They’re my nervous system trying to protect a younger version of me who survived so much without closeness. Please excuse me if I'm not very interested in having sex; I find pet names offensive and am not the type to jump into commitment.