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there is something deeply disturbing and grotesque going on inside me and i don't know what it is.
i have had longing hatred and distrust in humanity as far as i can remember and it has only grown stronger and stronger as time went.
only recently do i truly get the urges to hurt others when they don't behave as i expected them to or not stand up to my standards.
for example i have hit and beaten my girlfriend because she repeatedly has hurt my feelings over something small.
and i hate myself for that.
i hate being like this, i constantly fantasize about doing an school shooting and more messed up evil sinister things and i wish to be better
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miseraria
hey, dude. it's okay. there's a lot of shit going on, and it's okay to feel hatred for the general human populace. that said, i would say that lashing out at people, especially someone you love, isn't the best course of action?
i'm gonna assume you're american because you mentioned school shootings, and fuck, man, my deepest condolences to you for the shitfest going on. i'm a whole different continental plate away, and i can't imagine how hard it must be for you. i hope things better for your country as a whole, but more importantly, i hope things get better for you.
have you tried therapy? or speaking to someone you trust about your urge to hurt people? you're remorseful, so i feel like that's already a good start for things. change is possible, but only if you want it and are willing to work hard for it.
chin up, soldier! there's always light at the end of the tunnel, but only if you walk towards it.