I START OVER DAY 1 IF I LL NOT COMMİT

ı m so lonely ı think ı ll commit today ı m sorry to make u read this ıdk who u re

today my big brother wake me up bcs ı cant go out my bed on my own ı hugged him tighty. he s only person ı cant hate ı always want to hug him ı think ı ll die ıf ı cant hug him. most people fell sorry for him bc he s 30 and still live with family and jobless single but ı m s happy thanks god but ıt s makes me horible person ı want to die

ı wanted to be artist ı was studied for art school and ı drop it ı feel like every figure ı cant draw going to rape my brain and everyone s so much better yhan me nobody wanted my art anyway even my teachers re kind ı felt like crushing under pressure ı couldnt told my parents that

art course was so expensive ı want to die more ı wanna die ı wanna die sorry kind people

ı lied people after ı give up my dream ı want to be pyschologist ıt s big damn lie but people only love me when ı listen them but ı dont have motivation about my lessons ı cant listen them ı m going to die ı m drawing but ı thought ı give up about that but this is only think ı can do. ı hate school, ı hate lessons, ı hate study, ı hate my posture, ı hate way ı think 

ı dont have even bad life ı have family, friends(?), lovely people looking at me they saying to love me  but ı cant feel ı cant catch those feelings ı love everyone but hate them to 

all ı want watch porn all day and cut myself 

ı m dirty nobody can clean me, nobody touch me ı m so slow maybe so fast 

my friends interest to religion kinda think lately, ı trying to make myself interested about god when ı went church with them pray with them ı felt nothing but ı was happy about being them everyone s so kind even god maybe

ı didnt pray for god, ı just wanted to place for myself people in the chruch was way kinder than muslim people my famiy is muslim btw ı live in turkey most people s muslim there. maybe ı just deify people in chruch people pls dont judge me but ı thinking about ıf jesus were a women maybe ı felt more comfortable jesus why guy lol maybe ı need to research but ı dont belive a man can feel and bear all the sins nevermind sorry for judge ur religion ıf u re christian ı hope kurt cobain was right "Jesus is gay" 

today visiters came to our house ı escaped with my big bro but bfr ı helped my mother bcs ı wwant to hear good words before ı commit she said "everwhere s clean thanks my daughter" ı m gratefull ı hope ıt was really clean but ı couldnt clean my own room sorry mom ı m soo selfish ı want u to live my dirt 

pschological medicines caused weight gain my mother told me "maybe u should quit those ı re using bout 1.5 year already" so ı quit it  actually not bcs my mom ı just cant make myself drink those anymore ı feel so tired ı dont want it ı just wanted to my mom guilty ıf ı die ıt s not your guilt sry mom

ı lied about ı dont feel paronoid anymore to pshchiatry ı only can quit one medicide she said and ı dont listen her rn  ı tired trying to make myself normal ı get angry everythink bc my period or quiting medicines ıdk anymore

ı want someone to choke me,slap me rape me ıdk my life not worth to commit even my nightmares(?) all about rape maybe bcs my middle school experience ı always scared about man but ı cant speak with woman at all ı cant feel relaxed any gender except trans and nonbinaries ı thought ı m lesbian but ı dont care anymre every women ı fall in love (?) or ı thought. did forget me they dont even hate me. ı always wanted to loved but sometimes ı want to hated too so they couldnt forgetten about me ı want to be parasite but ı m not that important

way ı m post this ıdk maybe ı am attention whore

sorry my friend thanks for everything