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10:22pm CEST
today was very exhausting. my friend invited me to come to an afterschool club with them, one about christianity i guess. i didn’t decline because i had nothing better to do. i mean, i do. but, going home immediately isn’t something i’ve ever been eager to do if i had the option. it’s.. complicated.
when we went to the teens center, more than half of the time we were out was spent waiting for the club to start. it wasn’t bad, it was actually good. i talked to more friends and even made new ones.
soon the club did start though, safe to say i was a little nervous, but it wasn’t all that bad. they were apparently really happy to see a new person “join”. so i played along and matched their vibes. we played games shortly after dinner, it was just us tossing some candy into cups, a friendly version of beer pong i can only guess.
after that, they all went to the main room and sat down. my friend told me that it was time for the ending scriptures, so after knowing that, i went there too. and i sat down.
and suddenly, my eyes felt like nothing but windows out of a hollow space.
like, i heard everything, but i couldn’t move. i heard everything. i think what started this was me acknowledging my current position in this current life. it was being surrounded by so many positive, supportive people.
how did i get here? why am i here? i don’t deserve to be here. i should be rotting inside my room alone, like i would’ve been a year ago.
i heard them. i remember. “The Book of Joel”, was what the topic was. they spent some time talking about locusts, and other things surrounding that book. what i remember most however, was one verse they had said. i remember, because even though i still couldn’t feel my body, i started to cry.
“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten, the canker-worm, and the caterpillar, and the palmer-worm, my great army which I sent among you.”
he would supposedly restore and improve.
stupid. he was never there for me. how am i supposed to be convinced he’ll start now? i wouldn’t be in this position if he was. my parents would’ve tried harder to make it work. my brother would still be here with me. i wouldn’t be who i am now.
they say for every door that closes, another opens. but that’s never been the case for me. not only are all of these doors shut in front of my face, but they’re locked. to make matters worse, there are windows on them for me to peer through, at what could’ve been, like as if some sort of sick prank was being played on me.
nobody saw me cry, after the scriptures i went outside to cry into my hands, before heading back inside to wrap things up.
after the ride home, i went to my house, at least the front porch. (i was in a rush today, so i couldn’t grab my key, and my phone is still broken.) i was relying on my dad to be home, which he was. so i stood out there for thirty minutes holding down the doorbell. he didn’t answer. i thought one of three things. he was either sleeping, on the game, or ignoring me. ignoring me was a possibility because he told me that he once considered it after i came home at 6pm, (which wasn’t even that late.)
the older brother of my friend was out walking the dog, and caught me singing to myself, before asking if i wanted to walk with him. i don’t really talk to him, but he’s really cool and chill. so i said yes.
during the walk, he asked if i was okay, like “really okay”. he explained that his sister tells him about me, which includes problems of sorts. he never told me what exactly, but he said he knows enough to know that something was wrong. so we talked. we talked and took four laps around our block before i was invited into their house by his sister.
we were initially gonna continue the talk in his room, but i was offered their mom’s phone to call my dad, which i took. already, not even a minute into the call, my dad was talking in his stupid fucking power trip tone. we semi-argued for about five minutes before it came to an end. their dog wanted to play with me, and my friend asked if i wanted to play chess with her. in that moment it was like i was being teased once again, being shown opportunities i could never take to have fun.
i said goodbye and started walking home. i dreaded every step. eventually, i got back, and i went down to the basement to resume the talk with my dad.
a very long story short, he got pretty loud and vulgar. i’ve never wanted to punch anybody more than i did my dad. but he’s so unnecessarily strong. i was told not to go to work anymore, so there goes my only income.
after the argument, i went upstairs to my room. but i felt so, so, out of it. i wanted to tear off my ears, and the muscles inside my face couldn’t do anything but smile really hard, despite feeling like the worst i’ve ever felt my entire life. sure, it might sound exaggerated, or made up, or edgy. but i really couldn’t do anything but smile. my head started hurting, like it had just been smashed to pieces with a sledgehammer, and breathing became hard to do, like i was choking on my tears and saliva. i mean, normally, it’d be hyperventilation, but it became really slow. after sitting on the couch feeling the worst for what felt like forever, i had the sudden urge to claw at myself, wherever my hands first touched. i messed up and marked my neck really bad. i kind of sat there feeling the sting on my neck until it left. closing my eyes only made it harder to want to open them every time.
walking around became the hardest thing to do, not because of a lack of energy, but because of how long it took for me to reach the halfway point of my room. the headache never went away either , even typing now, it still lingers.
that verse makes me cry. i can’t help but cry.
i remember i used to have a favorite verse of my own.
“The Lord is my shepherd. I have everything I need. He gives me rest in green pastures, he leads me to calm waters. He gives me new strength. For the good of his name, he leads me on paths that are right. Even if I walk through a very dark valley, I will not be afraid, because you are with me..”
“even if i walk through a very dark valley, i will not be afraid. because you are with me.”
i know he’s abandoned me, and so i gave up a long time ago.
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