Leaving my home??? | tw: vent

I guess ive known how terrible of a dad my dad is all my life, but i was never conscious or educated enough nor ever talked to people who would help me realize how actually horrible he is until now. Stuff has been happening, and worst case scenario.. im leaving??? i gues??? i still cant process it. I never imagined i'd be the one doing this type of thing, even while having friends who have gone trough worse and have done crazier things. I thought i was doing just fine, i liked thinking i was, it was nice, it was comforting, but turns out i was just gaslighting myself all along.. woohoo! If the thought of growing up already scared me, this is absolutely terrifying. I know it's for my own wellbeing and im not harming anyone without my actions being completely justified, but hello???? I think i still somewhat have the brain of that 9 year old who was called a "good kid" an "easy kid" and got praised for keeping quiet and not causing problems, or at least still have that mentality present. It was what felt familiar, what felt good. Well, of course it felt good being praised and set as an example. I found out being loud and causing problems and messing tf up was my entire purpose as a kid, at 16. Great. Wow. Being called depressed seemed crazy to me, but the more i think about it, the more it makes sense. I dont want to kill myself, hell no, i love life. I just want a better one. And i guess i never got told that i could have much more than this. I never got told that *this* isnt good, that *this* isnt healthy, that *this* isnt normal, and that i could and *should* have so much better. So now popping my own bubble is scary. Sometimes i just want to lower my head and tell myself i can keep going, i can keep pushing trough it, i can still take it, because thats what ive been doing for 16 years, thats what ive always, ever known.. but then i get jealous. Jealous every time i go to my best friend's house, jealous every time i see their family being loud, sweet, fun, healthy. Its frustrating and it makes me both sad and angry. Why? Why did it have to be me? Why am i the one that has to go trough this? Why did i have to realize? Why did i have to be the one to break the cycle and do better? What if i dont want to do better? What if i just want to stay here? here where ive been all my life, here where i know how to act, how it works, how to handle it. But i dont want to stay, i dont want this, i dont want him. I deserve better. So mcuh better. But what if im not strong enough to get myself better? Im scared. So scared. Scared to stand up, to scream after 16 years of staying silent and swallowing down my cries, my screams, my complains. Im so fucking scared, so so fucking terrified. There's so many things going on, so many things to think, to feel, to experience, to get done.. and i just want to cry. Lay down, cry, and never stop crying. Ever. I miss my mom, i miss my dad, i miss my family, but not *my* family, i miss the family they were supposed to be. I love them, but i wont stay like this. I dont want this, i dont like it, it makes me feel bad, wrong, silenced. I can do better, i should do better. I can get better, if only i could stop being a fucking pussy and tell them. And i will, i swear i will. There's just.. so much going on. Yeah, growing up is scary, but no one talks about how growing up also makes you conscious of all the things that went wrong in your life and you didnt have the brain in that moment to know it went wrong. No one talks about how not only you have to decide what to study and what you'll be for the rest of your life but also grow some fucking balls and stand up for yourself because nobody will anymore????? I mean, of course somebody will, but.. you know what i mean. Why the hell did nobody tell me my life was this messed up earlier???? Even if im mad that everything went this wrong, even if im mad im the one who has to do it, even if im mad my life is on my hands now, i still think everything happens for a reason. And if i realized now, well.. it must be something im ready for. I just need to realize that too.