Why I will never forgive my dad

I graduated high school last June on my 18th birthday, I cried so much that day, I was saying goodbye to friends, teachers and classmates who I LOVED. I loved my high school classmates so much they were a big part of my life, they were like sisters to me.

However, goodbyes weren't the only reason. It was my dad, I had to face him. When people graduate high school, they spent the later days preparing for colleges, while I had to face my dad about wanting to go to college, which I knew ever since I entered highschool that he would say no. But my online and irl friends always supported me and said that I'm overreacting. That it's impossible for him to say no and when I was in 11th grade my cousin -her dad is my dad's older brother- entered college, and that was like a door opening for me. I was so happy for her but more for myself. If her dad said yes mine would too.

But he didn't, first I got rejected from colleges and I think because I didn't upgrade my level which was still middle school, second I talked to him and he said no. We had a 1 hour long conversation that I was crying all 60 minutes non stop, he refused because I am a girl, and I'm supposed to marry and have kids etc. I told him I didn't want a job I just wanted the degree, just in case. But he kept saying shit, he told me that I can go to online college but I will not go in person, the college I wanted is an all girls so that wasn't the case, he don't want me to get unbrainwashed which I already am.

I do think part of this is my fault for tolerating him so much, I never fight back or anything, and as the eldest daughter I feel like a failure, I have 4 sisters and since I didn't pave the way for them it's gonna get harder, beside me getting rejected is like the cherry on top. My grades were good even though I couldn't study due to me babysitting my little brother 24/7 and not being able to do anything, since he was only 1 year old he would be clinging to me making me unable to focus or write anything.

worst part of this all, I can't get out of the house without my dad or my brother, I can't go to my friends house either, I can't even call them over, and yes, all because I'm a girl. Because my brother will go to college and he can go to whoever house and invite whoever to ours, and btw my grades compared to his are Perfect grades. He barely pass.