Report Blog Entry
3:34pm CEST
i’m currently sitting in the art club room. by myself. since activity buses don’t get here until 5:30pm, i’m stuck with no choice but to stay. i could walk home, but.. sheesh.
ughhh i usually only go to art club whenever my friends want to go, otherwise i would never even consider batting an eye to it. ToT
to be honest..i came because i saw her go back into the school with somebody else. i should’ve stayed on the bus, i really should’ve. i made the decision right before they took off, so there was no turning back after i stepped off.
i really wonder who that person was. who are they to her?
i feel terrible thinking about her like this, it’s not like she’s anybunny’s property. plus, she probably couldn’t care less about who i was with, why should i? now i’m stuck here worrying about all sorts of things. will she think i’m weird for following her? will she be happy to see me? will she even TALK to me?? it feels like we’ve been drifting apart. i’m not ready to lose her, especially if i see her every day. she has this particular way of making you know she’s mad or upset with you, by completely ignoring your presence. usually she’s very open with people, talkative with everybody, very funny, loud, obnoxious.. of course all in an endearing way, so when it’s like that, it’s like a switchblade to the stomach.
i really should get off of the computers and do something related to art, at least i should. but you know how i feel about art. so i might just sleep until the buses get back.
God, i’m so fucking weird. isn’t this like borderline stalking? at least i know i’m weird, so does that makes me less weird? if that makes sense.
/(>n<)\
4:10pm CEST
i'm back again, i wanted to write down this weird dream i had last night. it was something of a mental battle i can only imagine...
i was home. our old home, in georgia.
when our parents were still together, when i still had my brother.
oh how nice our home smelled.
...i don't know who i pissed off, but it was someone, and so they started telling everyone in the house things about me. things i've said, things i've done, things about what i am. i couldn't get a say in anything due to how loud and dedicated they were to exposing me. i felt frozen in fear.
i think the worst part is, my brother started repeating those things, almost in like, a mocking way. he'd now hated me, found me disgusting. and clearly he wanted me to know that.
the next thing i knew, my parents were in my room, going through each and every one of my belongings. they went through my computer, where they found mostly everything. every thing i've said, every thing i've done, every thing i was. my mom was completely silent, but even her lack of words said a lot. my dad, on the other hand, was absolutely livid, and was demanding answers immediately. he would shove the computer into my face, forcing me to confront my actions. then he would show me messages i shared with someone specific, again, demanding to know who was on the other end.
i knew, and even now i still do. but i didn't tell him, nor will i say it now. that segment ends there, it's all i can remember.
i rememeber being at school after that, sitting in a math class with a few of my friends. but i wasn't as ease, no. i felt like the smallest movement would get me shot down immediately; like everyone in that classroom was waiting for the moment i made even a peep.
apparently though, it didn't even matter. i don't know what could've possibly provoked it, but someone made a comment about me, about who i am. the entire class turned to look in my direction, and they all started laughing and making fun of me as well. but what truly broke me, was that my friends themselves tagged along on my ridiculing. so i started crying, and i ran out of there as fast as i could. in real life, i rarely have breakdowns at school, but whenever i do, i usually run to the bathrooms to isolate myself. so, in my dreams, the bathrooms were where i went.
i stood propped over a sink, trying to recompose myself for what felt like forever. (this part was a little odd to me, but) shortly, to my left, two boys came out of different stalls, and when i saw them, it spooked me, so i screamed. they would start to laugh at me as well. i asked them what they were doing here, and said this was the girls' restroom. they didn't respond to me, and never really stopped laughing before leaving.
i was alone again. i never cried this much, not in real life, yet i swear i could really feel tears running down my face- pouring down my face. after a few moments, my math teacher came up from behind me. behind her, students i had never seen before. i thought they had come to poke fun at me too.
instead, they started to comfort me.
it felt realy nice.
my teacher would tell me that there was nothing wrong with who i was, and that i should never let what anybunny says or does influence who i am and what i do, because "at the end of the day, it never really mattered anyways". i know those weren't her own words, i probably rememeber the saying from an old fridge magnet we used to have back then.
there is more, but.. that's really all i cared to emphasize right now. but towards the end of the dream things became the usual dream shenanigans.
O^O
5:55pm CEST
Godddd, i feel like an absolute birdbrain.
she was pretty happy to see me, asked what i was doing there, to which i responded "art club". she smiled and told me she spent the afterschool hours making something at her cooking club.
i'm happy she's happy.. but i really need to find something else to do with my time. i've never been myself after meeting her, and that's so obvious to me it's stupid. i really don't need any more issues with me right now.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brittany...
Comments
Comments disabled.