new feelings

she’s stuck in my head

she’s something unbelievable.

i’m not usually one to fall for feelings like this so easily; it’s only happened twice before.

there have been moments when i thought i did, when i tried, but when those times didn’t work out, they didn’t affect me at all. it wasn’t that i didn’t think they were nice; no, just that they weren’t people i really connected with—that i didn’t feel an attraction towards.

i wasn’t over my ex when i first met Brittany, and i wasn’t exactly expecting to even like her like this anyways either. it all kind of snuck up on me.

it kind of sparked one day, when we were just hanging out like we always did. i know what really made me realize was that she once stopped me from trying something bad, from a simple hug, an unexpected one. it was a mixture of all sorts of things, really. even now, i can’t pinpoint why it did.

it frustrates me, i don’t like this feeling. i don’t even know how i’m feeling it to begin with.

the sneak up was that bad; i can’t even pinpoint how i caught feelings.

i do know that a few months ago, there wasn’t anything exactly on my mind—which, that’s the norm, so, it caught me off guard when my mind started drifting to her. i thought of times where she made me feel different. like, every single time something in my day went wrong, it would drain me. and it would only go away whenever she was around me. there are too many occasions for me to count just how many times she’s done that, and yet somehow i can remember each and every one.

i started realizing that at some point i had subconsciously picked up the habit of being eager to see her every day. from the stop, to the school, to our houses. after that, i kind of realized this wasn’t a feeling you come across so commonly. is this what I’m supposed to be looking for? i felt like this should’ve been a no brainer, but i also knew that I’ve been shutting out this part of my life for a really long time. however, the more i thought about it, the more i discovered. there’s only one other person who i’ve been able to hang out with and have fun and still be at peace. there’s only one other person like this who i’ve wanted to get out of bed to hang out with, and that was my brother. obviously that’s not to say i saw her as a sister, it was the fact that she was the only other person in my life who had significance to me. a significance this meaningful, i mean. 

i got scared, my entire body and mind felt different just thinking about her, i felt happy, eagerness, restlessness, peaceful. it got to the point where i tried to shut these feelings down out of fear, i tried incredibly hard. these feeling were too strong to dismiss, though. So, I sat with them. within time, they’d pass, right?

however, the more i hung out with her, the more i realized how noticed she made me feel, even if it was just as a friend from her perspective. 

God, i love everything about her. from her eyes, to her smile, her voice, her scent, her humor, her intelligence, her hugs. she always goes out her way to try and make other people feel included, to help them vent their frustrations and sadness, and her passion for the things she likes. she’s herself. unafraid. unique.

i remember, it started to become a roller coaster when I first gathered up the courage to talk to one of her friends about it. Going to her friend probably wasn’t the best decision I’ve made. going to anybunny at all wasn’t the best decision i’ve ever made. she said i probably had a chance, but she was pretty blunt about why i probably don’t as well, some reasons being about her ex, and just me not being her type. to this day, i don’t know if everything else she said was entirely true. but i was already very cautious about my feelings to begin with, so i decided to believe her regardless. a couple times i would lie to her and myself about deciding to move on, and she was always pretty vague on things, so i was never sure whether she thought i should’ve or shouldn’t’ve. it wouldn’t matter though, because even though my feelings already were and are impossible to rid of completely, usually the next day after that she’d give me every reason to fall deeper into her.

while everything was happening, i decided to just admire and dream. because i knew she was dealing with problems, so many problems. our lives being as mirrored as they are were already enough to tell me she was at least troubled as well, had i not known about everything else. i didn’t want to make her feel pressured, or disgusted, or anything of that sort. i just want her to be happy.

i feel to unbearable need to do everything I can for her to be happy, because, wounds turn into scars, and scars don’t go just away, i don’t think they ever go away. not these scars. but the least you can do, is disinfect it, stitch it, and take care of it until it heals.

i know, i sound like i think i have that much of a significance to her to begin with, she might just see me as another friend, one that couldn’t tend to her metaphorical wounds the way i wish i could, but i’ve said before, even as a friend, i hope that my presence is enough to take her mind off things, even for a moment.

lately i feel like i’ve been doing something wrong. i’m not sure if she’s feeling the same way i do. she’s said she’s liked me back, yes. but

 it’s complicated. on top of other things, i don’t know whether I should be a little more direct or stay the same I always have been. And when we’ve talked on the phone before, she talks in a way that makes me feel conflicted. sometimes it feels like she would rather us stay platonic, but then she throws the words, “love you” around so easily. these words, running these circles around her words drive me insane. i want to say them back. i really do. but i can’t. not only is it a phrase i don’t say much in any context, but i don’t want to start this trend of saying it platonically when i want to mean the very opposite of it. and knowing she’s not entirely over her ex yet, it feels wrong for me to say it. it feels like the wrong thing for me to do on both of our behalves.

but these notes aren’t vocal, nor is it heard.

so, i love you, Brittany.

i hate that i love, but at least it’s you.

i hate how much i love, but i also love how much i do.

the only thing i can say i don’t love is the likely possibility 

that i won’t be able to say it this way in person.

recovered from an old file.