the very eventful past few months

at the beginning of this school year i used she/her pronouns. what. then i started getting very uncomfortable with my feminine features and didn’t know why. i noticed myself wishing i had no boobs or that i was more masculine one of my friends decided to inform me that that is not normal for a “girl”. so i realized i was genderfluid with a preference for more neutral or masculine terms. 

a few months ago my current girlfriend was in a relationship with someone else but i found myself helping them both through a lot of their relationship problems (i find this hilarious). i kept getting confused why i always just hoped they broke up, i thought it was because i was sick of them coming to me but i really didn’t mind that at all. turns out i have a big fat crush on my current partner (surprise surprise) but i had no clue at the time. they ended up breaking up sometime after halloween and guess who they both come to… btw it was me. (i was ecstatic but kept my composure and still tried to help them through it)

 a couple weeks go by and me and my current girlfriend are just getting closer and closer i still don’t realize my obvious crush on them even after they gave me this small yellow paper rose (which ironically yellow roses signify friendship). i didn’t understand why this piece of paper made me so happy. a couple nights go by and it’s opening night of our show that we are both in, we are at dinner and i get up to get a brownie then i come back and the table goes silent then she said “all my secrets are about you” which was an inside joke from a few days before when we were taking a best friend quiz (for what reason i don’t know) and it asked if we kept secrets from each other. so clearly this makes me suspicious. those suspicions were reinforced later that night when i was sitting in my car and they text me as soon as they get home and then i open their story and it says something along the lines of “having separation anxiety” and somehow i knew that was about me. we text for the whole time i am stuck at school because my parents got a flat tire and i finally realize my feelings (took me long enough). at the cast party a few days later she gave me the chocolate part of their marble cake and i about exploded.

once again a few days go by and so much more stuff happens that makes me believe they like me but somehow i’m still doubting myself. at this point i have told one of my closest friends about my crush on my current girlfriend, me and this close friend and my current girlfriend hang out for a little bit and after my crush left my friend told me “i was observing you guys the whole time and i don’t really think she likes you” that sentence about crushed my heart and flushed all my previous inquiries down the toilet. once again a few days go by and my crushes best friend texts me and asks “are you in love with _____” i obviously respond with no because i wasn’t going to let her find out in that way. then my crush asks me if i’m in love with her best friend to try and cover up the previous text i got and play it off as a joke. then my crush asks if i’m in love with her and i respond with… now don’t judge me, i say, “i’m in like with you” WHO GAVE ME THE PERMISSION TO SAY SOMETHING SO DUMB. after a little convincing she believes me and realizes i’m not joking. 

the next day we start dating and ever since then it has felt like a dream. (i still don’t know what she sees in me) i become absolutely enamored by every single little thing about them. i fall in love with her more and more every day, i can not picture my life without them. so yeah… party in the usa. #rockandroll #jerusalemartichoke