my love story no one cares about

i turned fifteen at some point. at that time i was convinced i knew everything about myself. that i had already gone through the rough part of self discovery as a teenager. what a little naive cutie. i identified as lesbian at the time; absolutely convinced that i would never want to be in a relationship with a man, or be comfortable being in a relationship with a man. i also chalked up my possible asexuality to comp het so clearly i'm the coolest and the most self aware.

flash forward a few months, i start school and get into a relationship with a close friend of mine. i don't know if i regret it because then maybe i wouldn't be where i am today but i'm not happy about it now. i start dating this friend and basically the entire time i'm slightly uncomfortable because i feel like i can't and won't provide things for my partner what they want. but for some reason i convinced myself that that was how you were supposed to feel in a relationship. like what. it got to a point where me and my partner couldn't communicate and we were constantly tiptoeing around each others feelings. so cute and adorbs.

i don't really want to say this because it paints me in a bad light but i'm being honest so here we go. i had a crush on my boyfriend before i was out of that previous relationship. if you went to past me and said "hey! you have a crush on someone else!", my past self would've lied to your face. but en ee wayz, my past partner and i split for obvious reasons and the floodgates opened. i started only texting my boyfriend (not boyfriend at the time but you get it), i would be annoyed when he wasn't around, i would stalk his social media, i would bring him into every situation, and i would put in into future scenarios in my life. 

this is where my whole perspective changes. my boyfriend is genderfluid but is more comfortable with masculine terms and pronouns. that threw off little naive me. i remember looking at his lips and wanting to kiss him but telling myself 'no you don't, you only like girls'. like why was i invalidating myself like that? there was a moment when i was crying in the hallway with my best friend while i was supposed to be on my way to spanish because i couldn't possibly change such a sure part of myself (which i obviously wasn't so sure about anyway at that point).

apparently i came to terms with it. i don't remember how, but i do remember coming out to a whole group of people while my boyfriend was there to make sure he knew. so we start texting all the time and spending all of our time together and he would always flirt with me but i was convinced that he didn't like me because he is just so nice to everyone. but then he said this to me, "you do have very pretty eyes, like i'm mesmerized by them half the time". at that point i knew i was gone for him and i was almost sure he liked me too but i didn't know. i was so obvious about it that he has informed me recently that i was obvious. we got together by my best friend texting him and asking if he was in love with me and he said no and then i texted him and he said he was "in like with me". literally so embarrassing.

so we start dating! yay! kind of. at this point i was sort of convinced i was asexual. because i was in a relationship with someone and i didn't feel sexual attraction to them. the best part about this was that my boyfriend was so understanding that i just started falling more in love. but i soon discovered that i do feel sexual attraction so that's something. i won't really elaborate but i'm pretty sure i'm a form of demisexual. 

i've spent the past month and a half falling in love and it's not as scary as it used to be. it's actually so fun. i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with him and i'm so young. we get to grow up together. i feel this unmatched sense of safety when i'm around him and i know i can tell him anything and he just understands me. i fall more in love with him everyday. and i want to take away any pain he has. i have a social battery, like most people, but my social battery doesn't run out when i'm with him.

we've talked about what we want our wedding to be like. and what we what we want to name our children. i always thought those conversations would scare me because i'm afraid to get older and become an adult but with him i feel excitement to talk about it. like our entire life plans line up before we even spoke about it. like huh?! i don't know. i just love him so much. like i could just lay in silence with him for hours and not feel uncomfortable or feel like i need to say something.

i am so in love it's disgusting.

stay tuned for later updates in my love story that no one cares about.