I'm scared of my doctor's appointment ( 𖦹﹏𖦹) - living with hand pain

Tomorrow I will go to the first ever doctor's appointment I made all by myself! I was so scared to make the appointment, but I finally did it after my friend kept reminding me for a week straight... I got embarrassed and did not want to dissapoint her, so I gathered up my courage and called the doctor's office. I don't know why I was so anxious! The call took less than a minute and now I can finally get some answers to the problem I have had since 2021!

For some context as to why I am going: During the pandemic I picked up crochet, gaming, and drawing (basically anything not physically demanding, yes I am very out of shape.). Because the teachers gave us very simple and quick tasks, my schoolwork was done in just a couple of hours. The rest of the day would be filled by these hobbys. When the pandemic ended, I noticed the exterior tendons of my index and middle fingers would cramp up, "jump out", and go numb. 

I didn't think much of it at first. I thought I should just crochet less. I cut up some tight socks to wrap around my palms, so the tendons wouldn't "jump out". But then the condition worsened. I could only crochet and game for about 20 minutes in total. I got so sad, becausee I could barely finish two rows of my sweater a DAY! in the morning I would wake up fine, then throughout the day it would just worsen. At the end of school I would just sit at home and watch shows or read. Definitely the most boring years of my life.

While riding my bike, I would pray that the road was smooth. Otherwise the vibrations would cause my hands to cramp up and I would have to steer with my forearms (I do not ride my bike anymore.). Then my dreams of ever becoming a baker were shattered once the still-turned-on hand mixer fell and sprayed my kitchen walls with frosting.

But the worst of all were assignments and exams. Luckily, the school was generous enough to lend the 200 highschoolers IPads to do schoolwork on. My condition worsened to the point I could not hold a pen properly and had to rely on typing. One particularly bad day I could only type with my index finger, with my the tip of my finger and my wrist creating a straight vertical line and my elbow at around shoulder height. All while sitting on my right hand, attempting to ease the pain through compression.

That day I cried in the school bathroom while massaging my hands under freezing cold running water. I was terrified. Will the frequency of cramps continue to worsen? will I ever be able to write and draw normally again? How am I going to write my final exams? In a year and a half I will graduate. To graduate from german highschool you have to write at least 3 five hour long exams. How was I going to hold my pen properly? I could barely sleep after this. I kept having nightmares about surgery and amputation. 

This day (along with my friend's constant nagging) pushed me to finally go to the doctors. I used to ask my parents to make an appointment for me. But they would just say it was because I did not do enough sports, or I was not using my hands enough, or I was holding my phone for too long or whatever. So ever since then I started jogging, putting more effort into PE and completely stopped crocheting and drawing. It was so boring. Summer break was so boring. But this did not help and the frequency kept getting worse until that one day around three weeks ago, where I cried in the bathroom.

I guess I'm mostly afraid of getting dismissed. The thing is some days my symptoms are worse than others. the last two days my hands would only tingle after an hour of gaming. I managed to do a few isaac runs since the last time I played, months ago. What if tomorrow morning, I have to do some weird movements and tests, only for my tendons not to cramp up or go numb? Then I'll just be another girl who cried wolf. This is my second visit with this doctor. The first time was concerning my dizziness, lightheadedness, headaches, and cold hands. I got my blood drawn and my results were perfect. I felt so silly after that. What if this time the same thing happens and the doctor never believes me again? I know that may seem stupid, but I have heard so many stories online of people getting misdiagnosed or not getting diagnosed at all. (Also I kinda cured my diziness by myself... It really was just getting more exercise in and eating healthier)

So I am going to try to appear as serious as possible. Tomorrow morning I will leave after a full night's sleep, a healthy breakfast and a freshly ironed button-up shirt. I hope everything will go well tomorrow, and that I get some answers, or at least an appointment at an orthopedic doctor.

Welp my friends are calling to play golf (With Your Friends). I hope everyone who is also putting off their doctor's appointment gets the courage to go. I wish you all good health and a good night!