my ex

When me and my ex broke up I wrote a double sided 11 page letter to him. He will never read this letter but I nonetheless must share it somewhere. Who knows maybe one day he'll find this and see it but until then you guys will (by the way I will be name dropping).

Dear Judah,

There's so much I've wanted to say to you. I loved you so much and I still do, I don't think I could ever stop. It's genuinely so embarrassing, like everybody (even you) says its not that deep and I should just get over it. I think when you really loved someone you cant't just "get over it", and I know you think I didn't love you. You think I just got attached and called it love, so I just want you to let you know about my life after the break up.

On that night, I didn't sleep, I stayed up crying for as long as we kissed that one night. Sleeping never happens unless there was crying before it. I talked about you to everybody, it was genuinely so hard for me to do ANYTHING without thinking of you. It didn't get better, even so I still know I need to get over it. I do understand what I had did wrong, I would have never let Jayden down easily and cared about all the girls in your dm's if I knew it would lead to us breaking up. I know I say you never loved me, but I'm wrong, you did love me just not as much as I did you.

I've never felt this way about someone and I don't think I ever will again. Nonetheless you've helped me learn things. Maybe we shouldn't have done the things we did  but I'm still glad they happens. But I wish our love wasn't so lustful. Like come on, your first instinct when we are kissing is to grab my butt? Yikes. At the end of the day I think it was good and bad we did that.

I most likely wouldn't have even cared if you weren't dating Nayeli. That hurts me so bad because its been like 2 or 3 months(it's longer now but I'm still not over it) and you've already gone off dating her. Like last I checked wasn't she "just a friend". It kills me to know your genuinely happy. I just wish even if we aren't together I want us to BE TOGETHER. 

My mom still talks about you, it reminds me of our friendship. When I had my first cheek kiss you were the first person I told. I trusted you, I loved you just as much as I did when we were dating and as I do now. My love for you has never/will never stop. You're someone that stays in my mind and heart forever, and maybe that spot you stand in will get smaller, but it will always be yours. I know it doesn't mean anything but even so I thought you should know. 

I suppose I could see how you chose her, she's pretty i'll give you that but I feel like it was your choice because she goes to your school so you could see her everyday unlike me. You were the first person to ever look at my face up close. You could stare at me for hours and not be disgusted or think I'm ugly even when I had just woke up. I don't know how even after all that you could never think of me, or you could never think of calling or see how I'm doing now or if I even ever loved you. I think of that all of the time.

After you left I stopped self harming. Sometimes I wish you still cared but know you it's normal for you to stop caring in about 2 weeks. When we first started dating I was scared I'd lie a lot but when I talked to you about it I'd became the most comfortable I'd ever been. I don't think I ever lied to you after that. I showed you off to everyone. They were so tired of hearing your name or seeing your initials in my math notebook. Now, they still are tired for hearing about you but for different reasons.

Did you ever talk about me, did you even think about me after we broke up? You know it's so crazy to me how close to the end I saw a video of that rabbit with the clock and didn't understand it. Funny enough, after we broke up there was a video explaining "all roads lead to Rome". Crazy right?

I fear I'll never talk to you again but I'll do as much as I can to try and make sure that doesn't happen. I know if you knew you'd probably think I'm stupid for writing this letter but I still must write it. You know it's crazy to think that I genuinely thought we were gonna get married. I really would have married you and I was only 13. 

When we broke up I felt like I was hit by a truck and now I'm in a coma. I don't know what I want anymore. I used to be so sure it was you that I wanted, that I NEEDED and now, I don't know what I want. It's like I'm in a bottomless pit and still falling just waiting for time to warp and pull me back up. 

For months, I've been waiting for you to jump in and save me, but I don't think you ever will. You're leaving me no choice but to stay here forever. I don't think you're coming back. At least not in the way I want you too.

I used to think fourth grade was the lowest part of my life but I think this takes the cake. I wish I could relive that night in the pool with you over and over again. I gave you everything I had and now, I have nothing. Yet you have everything. Only my perception of you (before you became mean/dry or "yourself" as you call it) comforts me. One day I hope you could understand how you affected not only me but life whole life as well. I'd also listen to how I affected you, if I even did. 

I'd like to apologize for what ever I did that caused this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I still miss you. I'm sorry I still love you. I'm sorry I'm not "over it". And I'm sad you don't love me. Maybe we are just too young to have kept this up. You deserve to live your life without being tethered to someone, I'm sorry I tried to change that about you. I wish you could read this or I could say it in person. I understand that can't happen. I'll probably never see you again. I want us to still talk even if it's just a little on text. So, I am going to text you on your birthday(Dec 10) and if you text me on mine then i'll know( he never texted it's over). Maybe things will make sense like they used to. I just want you to know for the long time I've known you and the short time I've dated you, my perspective on dating, people, practically everything has changed.

I'm not mad per se, I don't know how to describe this feeling honestly. You're just a boy/kid trying to figure things out and so am I (not the boy part obviously) so I can't even judge you. I'll always care about you and for you. You'll always have someone to talk to and I hope you know that. I'll always love you but I no longer like you. I'd say this is the end of the letter but there will probably be more because its never over.

Love,

 Sophia/Sophie/twin/shorty/Lil twan(nickname weird I know weird lol)/baby/ex/best friend