tiredness, or whatever the fuck this blog is talking about

until now, i sincerely thought that the period that would bring me to my lowest was the most obvious one ; november and december. i thought that, as always, january would be soo long and empty from life's ups and downs. i was so wrong, about all of that.

i wonder what happened ? qu'est-ce que j'ai fais de si mal finalement ?

i feel so depressed, so fucking tired, a type of tiredness that no amount of sleep seems to cure, a type of tiredness that have nothing to do with sleep.

i'm less kind, nice, and patient than i was before, i hate the person i've become, kinda negative and mean, and now i'm always late for school, and i don't sleep well anymore. i'm either insomniac or sleeping too much but in both cases, i end up waking up with an exhausting tiredness, that's so fucking confusing and what the fuck bro ???

i kinda don't have the energy to do anything anymore once i come home from school, i'm less productive, i have a coffee addiction, i'm stuck in a limerence loop, i have suicidal thoughts, i don't have any interest in school, i regularly suffer from headaches, i always complain, my anger issues seem to be back, and i feel like i'm not really close to my friends anymore.

i know that i can just change my perspective and be happier than now, but it's just tiring asf, and somehow i like being in that state, it's so contradictory, i don't even understand me..

i'm feeling soo tired, really falling apart

and it's just don't make sense to me

really don't know

(mac demarco, my kind of woman)

can't let gang know this is exactly how i feel these days

it's probably just a matter of time ?

it's weird, the very last time i was at my lowest, was around two years ago. 

i'll make an update next week, pray 4 me goat, i might get even worst.

i know i might be at my lowest as soon as i start being so fucking tired.