blog post #15

i'm back! i recently made a bulletin talking about how i was struggling spiritually. i didn't mention it then, but i've also been dealing with some internal conflict culturally, esp considering the state of the united states right now, given all of the issues with ICE. though, i am making a better effort to get in touch with my mexican heritage, and i'm going to re-start my spanish lessons. i felt kind of insecure before about being no sabo, but i saw a video by an instagram creator named @nomasnahum that made me feel a lot better about it. i know it's not my fault i don't know the language, but the baby steps feel so embarrassing. i'm going to do better about my humility.

anyway, back to the spiritual stuff: i spoke to my mother (who is a christian), and i feel a lot better about it. i'm going to worship in the way that makes me most comfortable. i'm considering exploring catholicism. i want to buy a rosary. i've been carrying around my late great-uncle's crucifix for months now. it doesn't feel like much of a leap, but his crucifix makes me feel... protected. it also makes me feel closer to him. there's a catholic church not far from my home, and i'm sure there are plenty in my uni town. however, afaik, the church near my home is spanish-speaking; i feel like that only incentivizes me to keep learning.

my great-grandma immigrated here from ciudad juarez back in the mid-1900s. i'm not sure about the exact year, but she married my great-grandfather in 1950 when she was 26. she was catholic. my late great-aunt, my late great-uncle, and my other great-uncle were and are catholic. my grandmother was catholic in her youth, but has since deemed herself non-religious. i still feel like i have a lot i can learn from her, both culturally and spiritually.

we were texting earlier, and i brought up how she once mentioned that she had some dia de Los muertos decor that she wanted to show me. she messaged back saying, "i'll have to dig around for it. when i find it, it's yours." i'm excited about that. dia de los muertos feels more important to me now that my great-aunt has passed. we didn't talk very much, but i received a lot of her stuff after her passing, including her makeup, clothes, and her raggedy ann doll. i'd like to feel connected to her, my great-uncle, and my great-grandma.

i am a severe work in progress, but i feel like i'm finally getting somewhere. my mom and i are going to look at rosaries tomorrow, and we're going to visit a latino supermarket.

i think it's neat that my mom has always cared so much about my heritage, given i didn't inherit it from her side; i'm mexican on my dad's side, and he's always denied it. well, he did until he started dating a latina. then and only then was he mexican. my mom has always insisted that i was latino, going as far as to fight with my father about putting it on my records. i appreciate that now that i'm older, that she fought for me. i know my grandma appreciated that. my grandma was the one who bought my mexican flag stole for my high school graduation. i intend on wearing it to my university graduation in a few years as well, given that the university lets me. i don't see why they wouldn't.

i'd like to mention how much i appreciate my university. we have a hispanic/latino student union on campus, and i'm planning on trying to attend their events this semester. i was too shy last semester. i'd also like to mention how much i appreciate my uni's hate prevention union. they were passing out "ICE melts quick in the [uni location]" pins. i have it on my ita bag, alongside my mexican flag pin. makes me happy. 

life is okay right now. i am at peace. i can't wait to hangout with my mom tomorrow. goodnight and sweet dreams, spacehey. ¡buenos noches y dulce sueños, spacehey!