Body ish

(CW: Body Dismorphia, Eating Disorders, High school, Toxic Body Positivity)

"The body you have right now is worthy of love"

Yes. That doesn't make me bad for wanting to change it.

         For a very long time, I have struggled with my body- for various reasons. As a teenager, I would look at my side profile in my mirror every night before bed. It was the skinniest I could get. I didn't like looking at myself from the front. I didn't understand why my body looked the way it did. My rib cage seemed so overwhelmingly big, my shoulders slumped instead of going straight across, my waist went in, creating an hourglass shape, but then my hips dipped in again before getting wider further down. I thought the dips might have been because my clothing had grabbed tightly to me there for so long while I grew older and bigger, sort of like a watermelon in a box. Much later I learned about "Violin Hips", teaching me that hip dips are normal. I realized, as I lost muscle from not frequently playing cello, that my shoulders weren't slumped, I just had very strong Trapezius muscles. The most frustrating thing I learned, though, was that when I turned sideways and sucked in, and everything went away except that little bit of belly, that wasn't the last bit of fat I needed to lose, or the proof that I was obese, or the reason I was unloved or undesirable... It was my fucking organs.

         Anyways.

         I looked at my side profile every single night before bed. I still felt fat. The summer before my senior year, I only let myself eat 12 pretzel sticks a day, and I drank huge cups of unsweetened Iced green tea. I worked out until i got down 15 pounds. I wanted 25, but I ran out of summer. That's the skinniest I've ever been. I still felt fat.

         I don't have an eating disorder. I'm just stubborn. I did that the one summer. It worked until I stopped. I equalized back at my steady weight, and stayed there until I stopped playing cello- turns out it's great exercise.

         I started noticing at some point, maybe college, that I feel like I look fat because my boobs make my shirts stick out in the front, and my butt makes my shirt stick out in the back, sorta like...

         I started to learn how to dress for my shape. I still felt fat, but I wore more form fitting stuff, and Felt pretty confident doing it. still, looking in the mirror, there were days that I felt like my head looked tiny compared to my body. a while after I realized I was non binary, I bought a binder. I bought it mostly because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Then I put it on. I felt right. Now, even though the only thing changing is the size of my boobs, when I wear my binder (half-tank) I'm fine, and when I don't wear it, I feel like I look fat and frumpy. Through lots of self-reflection, I've decided I probably have undiagnosed body dismorphia. Or something like that.

         I would like to take a second to say that fat isn't bad. being fats not bad. I just couldn't figure out how to make it work for me. I felt uncomfortable in my body and couldn't figure out why. But when my boobs are gone, even though my belly, my double chin, my big thighs, all of it, still exist, I'm still technically fat, I feel confident and I know how to work it.

         Anyways, this is my extremely long winded way of saying, I want to work out, and finally, It's not to lose fat, though that will probably happen, It's to gain muscle. I want to be able to feel my abs. Not in a defined six pack way necessarily, but I want them to be there. I want to be able to run up a flight of stairs and not get winded. My big goal- I want to be able to carry my husband around like a baby. He's not super large or anything, but he is six inches taller than me. It's my goal.

         So, yes. I love the body I have now. It has survived everything with me, and it's still trucking along. But it's time for our next adventure: Musclesssssss