first day of yourself

28.01-29.01

somehow i managed to see something that i never quite saw ever before

I think it's beautiful how the first day of actually living like yourself feels, i don't know if anyone here has experienced that, but i can't quite place or describe how it feels, it just does.

You actually feel happy for once, not just in those moments of laughter with friends or whatever, but actually happy

And suddenly everything else starts to feel so so so good too, of course you stress sometimes and you get sad and mad because that's just life

but when there's nothing

you actually feel something

something that it's not pain, or hurt, or suffering, or asking why the hell are you here and how are you going to manage to keep going and god i wish i would d

but actually just happy, about the flowers and scents and what you hear or see or feel and all those stupid little things that you mostly forget about.

i was scared for so long that i didn't bother to try to think about it, but now that i'm living in it, it just feels surreal. and i'm happy.

i'm happy about who i love and where i am right now and maybe i'm not 100% who i want to be in the moment but i'll get through it and find my way, because i always do.

i didn't want to write before because i always do when i'm feeling sad and destroyed and tired and that's just me, in the most natural scent, that's me. it's who i have always been somehow. 

i can't say that happyness is me now, i don't think it'll ever be, but i can say that it's almost part of my life finally and i don't want to push it away like before and maybe, just maybe, it'll stay for a while, maybe it'll want to stay for a while this time. 

but (if) it doesnt, i'll always come back to writing, and that's fine. i accept that, i feel okay with that, with coming back. 

it's fine because even through all, i'm still okay with being who i am, i'm still okay with being a fucked up. that's fine. 

maybe for now i can just rest a little about that, it'll make sense if it wants to rest, i want that too. 

just rest, for now.