to goth, or not to goth, that is the question

I have very weird relationship with society in general, so it's really hard to me to structure some thoughts about a subculture that ive never ever seen in real life. Ive never been a part of any subculture, ive never had any 'rebellious' phase, I got into subcultures recently and i dont think i know much about any of them, besides goth subculture.

I should add that im autistic, and this thang has definetely affected my experience.

To goth,

I was feeling isolated from peers my whole life, i've never felt that i belong anywhere and i still dont feel this way about any group of people. So, sadness and melancholy are definetely what i relate to. Mysterious stories, religions, even conspirology (which i consider fiction, which are 'mystery stories' to me as well) - these are my things, i like it, i live it. Maybe it's my depression that 'always come back', but i see death as a good thing. It's freedom. Fashion is awesome too lol.

And, of course, music. I used to say 'i like music with subtle echo because it echo-es in my empty soul', and oh god i wish i new so many bands sooner... Post-punk has this echo. I don't mean im empty as a person, but i always felt there were so many parts in me that are still missing. And even though the music will never be able to fix it, it can make me enjoy those empty parts.

or not to goth,

i dont think ill ever be able to expose myself to irl goths. at least, in russia, in the city i study in. It doesn't scare me, but disgusts that some people, and there are such people, they're everywhere, are going to tell my why i dont have any makeup besides lipstick, why i dont have any piercings/tattoos, why i'm blond, why I wear this hairstyle/that skirt/ this t-shirt/ insert your option. The things is, i know another autistic girl that is MUCH more sociable(?) than me. She visitsroleplays, she lives with a whole ass boyfriend, she works, even though she's really awkward and stuff. So, the thing is, she considers herself a part of jirai-key subculture(?.....) She's wearing the clothes, she started to do the make up (she's trying to imitate asian uhh puffy lower eyelid drawing it with red pencil or eyeshadows im not sure), she communicated with other people who considerr them jirai-key, and, the thing is, they called her a 'poser' because she didn't have fucking bangs. then she asked me why wont i engage with local goths... Girl, i told her im not into people forcing me to do anything about the way i look, she agreed, and then cut her bangs as they told her and now the stupid hair makes her obviously uncomfortable because she has to wear glasses and it's just really uncomfortable to her. Random story, im sorry. So, the prejudice is the reason why i cant. idk i felt the need to explain why.

Im uncomfortable with any place where people gather, so a goth club, even if we have it, is not an option. There's more, i cant stand people drinking or/and smoking next to me, and most people do one or another.

And the last but not least, even though i like putting dark eyeshadows around my eyes, put on some mascara because i look awesome and hot and i like my eyes, i also cant stand it too often or too long because my eyes get irritated, they become itchy, im uncomfortable, sensory overload, and then boom im crying over some stupid bullshit and yell at people who did nothing wrong.

that is the question...

Even if i fit all the needed criterias, I dont think that ill be able to feel as a part of any community ever. Maybe its imposter syndrome idk, it was the same when i tried to figure out if im autistic or not, i went through a lot of self-doubt, articles, tests, rethinking all my life experiences.

I think im going through the same stuff because im not an ideal goth, not stereotypical enough, i dont fit everything. I've never been bullied for being alternative. I've never engaged with any other goths irl. I don't think im enough to be counted as a part of anything. I subsribed to several goth girls on youtube (because i really enjoy their contect, who would guess), I interract with people here, on spacehey. I listen to music of course.

It's weird to call myself a writer when I dont show my stuff to public, but yk what, i wrote two short novels with obvious gothic-ness and/or goth-ness in it, and i really like them. I was sitting there, being like 'hey, if you like such stuff, why wont you create some of your own', so i kinda made stuff for a subculture that ill never be a countable part of.

I hope i made everything clear. Talk to me, people. tell me what you think. I can act very mean though, so please make yourself clear too... I dont want to be mean to anybodym i just overreact sometimes.....

upd.i should say im very confident in my identity, so people saying to me what i am and what im not arent really bothering be, its just annoying to the point i want to stay beeing isolated