is it wrong to hope my surgery doesn't go through right?

i'm crippled and chronically ill at the age of 16, i have nothing in life going my way, and i'm expected to be wheel chair bound by the age of 20 something, and im already an addict. the only thing keeping me going is my boyfriend and my mom at this point.

i'm supposed to have thyroid surgery to determine if i have thyroid cancer, and i'm honestly hoping that at this point? something goes wrong and i have to be in the hospital. i've been in mental wards most of my life, and i have so much fucked up mental shit going on, i don't see a reason to even keep pushing on.

this isnt a cry for help or anything, i just feel numb at this point. like, yeah i know those people i care about will care about me, but it's, meaningless, y'know? we all die at some point, and i ponder what death would be like so often it just makes me wanna breakdown and cry.

and that surgery, it finally got confirmed by my insurance and now im just counting down the days until it gets scheduled. i don't want to be on a poster somewhere and be known for surviving thyroid cancer at the age of 16. 

i'm tired, it's cold, im manic, and i really fucking want ice cream.