Dad=Devil

....

If u ask me, I think having a dad is a shitty experience depending on the situation, & sadly, that's my situation.

As a child, u’re always told "there's only 1 mom," & even if ur father abandoned u, it wouldn't be as hard as not having a mother at all. Personally, I think that's stupid, but beyond that nonsense, I'd like to talk about the development of a father who, even though he's been present throughout ur life, feels more absent than him not being there at all.

At the beginning of my childhood, having my father with me was simply incredible. He was my friend, my confidant, & even my hero. He taught me things that my mother perhaps didn't yet know how to say, he took me to places I'd never been, & told me about his life before I was born. He was undoubtedly the person I admired most. When someone asked, "Who do u love more, ur mom or ur dad?" It was so easy to answer "my dad" simply because my mother seemed very annoying to me in ways I didn't yet understand.

As I grew up, I saw my father do things I wasn't sure were right. The things he did were the same things he had warned me to be careful of if I got a partner: infidelity, jealousy, psychological abuse, threats, & physical violence. All these things my father had warned me about came to pass as I matured because he was the one doing them to my mother without any shame.

For this reason, when I began to better understand the situation, I also began to defend & protect my mother from the man who had once been my hero. The first time I "rebelled" against him, he immediately understood that I would reject him for doing the very things he had warned me against. So, instead of changing & reflecting, he decided that I would be his new enemy, literally.

In every fight I had with my mother, my father would find a way to pick a fight with me. He would yell at me, scold me for insignificant things, & insult me like I was a rat, all without a shred of remorse. He never apologized, & I never forgave him for it. Cuz even though I heard my friends who didn't have fathers begging for 1, I, on the other hand, begged to change mine... Not because I didn't love him, but because he was never the man he once was in my childhood.

Much later, when I was fully aware & mature, I decided (w/ my mother) that the best thing would be to distance ourselves from him. It took him by surprise & almost drove him crazy because, according to him, he was only trying to improve & make us happy, when it was the opposite.

At this point, I want to clarify that I have a younger sister, whom he never insulted or rejected like he did me. I can't speak for her because, in her eyes, my dad is the best. But that was precisely a form of manipulation my dad used against my mom & me. He said he had the same right to see her grow up, just as he had with me. But I mean, Screw that, In the end, it's only a matter of time before my sister grows up & He’ll do the same to her.

Continuing where we were, he decided to leave home because he got tired of trying to convince us & realized it was too late to start over, at least not together as a family.

& that's why I'm writing this, to anyone who reads this, in case u've been through a similar situation & can give me some advice, what should I do? I'm still very broken, & even though I don't say it, I love my dad so much, even though I hate him at the same time... He's trying, but it's still difficult, because for every step he takes, he takes 2 steps back. 

Should I give myslf the chance to rebuild the bond we had when I was a child? Or should I accept that it won't be the same but try to live together, or simply distance myslf for both our sakes? Ugh, I don't know what the hell to do, lol