pouring out my feelings

Hey. So, as you know, if you’ve seen my posts before this is mainly a vent account. I’m so very grateful for all the people who have given me great advice on this app. I don’t wanna seem ungrateful but this is the only place where I can get these kinds of things out.

This is a long one.

content warning

When I was a little girl I went over to my grandpa’s house a lot. He was my dad’s dad. We used to give each other little mouth to mouth kisses. I really did think this was normal up until one Christmas Eve. I was leaving the annual Christmas party we had, passing the chair papap always sat in when he grabbed my wrist. His hands were…cold. Smelled like cigarettes. I felt myself slipping into the “wait. What is he doing-“

Then he asked me to kiss him.

I asked if he wanted a forehead kiss, like we normally did since I’d grown uncomfortable with lip kissing. He said he wanted a lip kiss.

I remember the room feeling…tight. So, so tight. I didn’t wanna say no, because grandpa was old. He had this big pool, a lovely, big house and my dad’s side of the family was so sweet.

I don’t remember much after that. Just being in my father’s car and looking into the night.

So, yeah. Next thing I knew, grandpa died. I’ve cried over it, I sobbed and sobbed.

Now, going over this experience when I’m more mature..I’ve really realized that wasn’t right.

I don’t even know, he might have not KNOWN it was wrong. I don’t even get to tell him that made me uncomfortable because I’m pretty sure that’s the last time I even saw him before he died.

I don’t know if I’m just being a baby but the feeling of his hand on my wrist is creeping up on me as I write this.

I’m gonna go.

If anyone knows what even happened, if this was some kind of sexual weird thing or I’m just being a pervert or something please comment. All I know, is that it feels tight again.