And so I lie

I'm kind of a liar.A really long term one.I've been trying to convince myself that the reason I don't let my whale know how I feel about him is the looming fear of unreciprocated feelings, the fear that I would be rejected and it's part of it but not all of it.

I think about him all the time, when I fall asleep, he's holding me, he's laughing at my jokes, he's watching my shows with me.In my head he's always attentive, he's romantic, he gets me, he's all I want in a partner, he's himself and he still has all the things that made me fall for him in the first place but in my head he's perfect, both of us are.I know it's not real.It's all in my head but I still get to have this vision of us, an untouched, unscathed version, how we could be and the moment I tell him, it's gone, maybe to be replaced by even better, but probably not.Even then we would become real.Real disappoints you, real doesn't always know what to say, real breaks up with you, real raises it's voice, real hurts you feelings, real is scary.In my daydreams I get to stay in one moment, I get to rewind, I get to say things twice if I mess it up, reality sucks beacause of course I can't do that in here.

I just keep lying, saying that waiting is killing me, but is it really waiting if you have no intention of doing anything ?The thing is, this is kind of a good deal for me.

Why would I tell him ?I get to have a friend but also to have someone to have on my mind all day, I get to hear a song and think of him, I get to have a pretend-in-my-head boyfriend, I get to like him without the risk.That's safe and un-scary.

That's the most me thing ever.Of course I'd choose this over putting myself out there and not being in control of what happens.

I like the in my head version of him, I know what he's about to do and say, because I decide, there's no surprise, I don't feel unsafe, I'm in control.Putting myself in a position where I tell him how I feel is so vulnerable, all of the sudden he'd have all the power, he'd know he has the power to break my heart into so many pieces I'd be collecting them for years and that's so fucking terrifying.

As a child I learned to manage my expectations by convincing myself that things wouldn't turn out the way I wanted hem to, so that when it didn't, I would be prepared and I still to do to this day !

The down side is that I now can have a hard time feeling exited when I get what I want.

Why must I be anguish personified all.the.time???

For once I'd be nice to like someone and for it to be the smallest deal, I like them, tell them and whatever happens next I know I can deal with.Why not ?That would be such a nice change.I'm so used to complicated, I think I make it that way on purpose.If I always make things the same way, I know what to do, nothing changes, and most likely the only thing I can do is stay put and overthink, the cycle repeats itself.

And so I lie, rather than admitting that I often get in my own way.

David Dean Burkhart-Looking out for you