My mental journey.

Hi, this is Rizu from the beginning of 2026, February 4th, 2026.

I've always been a closed-off girl (not rude, more reserved), or even shy, with severe socialization problems for several reasons... Maybe my autism? I hate victimizing myself and labeling myself with that; I want to feel alive and well the way I am. People always say to me, "Wow, are you mad at me? What did I do to you?" Just because my face is... let's say exotically grumpy by nature. I try to change that whenever possible, but why on earth does the perception of happiness from most people I know sound so... forced?

I always thought that being happy meant being whoever I wanted to be and that everyone would like me and love me the way I've always been, but unfortunately, this "childish" thought fades with time. I don't think happiness and kindness are childish or weaknesses. Incidentally, these are VERY strong points in anyone who possesses them. I envy people who are truly happy with themselves, and because of that, I'm proud of myself for trying to be a better person every day, just like others who try their best every day to evolve into someone extraordinary and kind to their individualities.

Until March 2025, probably before the 10th, I was such a... lonely and depressed person. (I don't want to sound ableist in any way.) I remember that on March 12th, 2025, I was going to commit suicide. As a way of saying "Goodbye," I started playing all the games on my computer, trying to create some kind of melancholic nostalgia to warm my cold heart at that moment, an illusion of happiness for a "happy ending." Until...

I met him.

"He" was nothing more than a mere online stranger who was on the same server as me. He was playing an online rhythm game because I've always loved those games, so he started joking with my name in an innocent way that ended up making me laugh. I felt a very warm spark of happiness after a while, we ended up becoming best friends and... before I knew it... 3 days had passed postponing my suicide. I thought that every day when I woke up, he would be waiting for me, to bring happiness and lightness to my darkest days... And he really was there every day!

After a while, a good old friend of his ended up joining the same server we were on. I have to admit that this guy charmed me from the start because he seemed mature and very sweet. I remember our first conversation was about the really crappy salary I received at Starbucks, and incredibly, we ended up laughing a lot that night. I ended up adding him on a social network, just like my other friend. I remember that this new friend and I were bored; our first calls were where I was muted while he talked (I never liked my voice), sending me some memes. I think that so much mental confusion and a congruence of salvation made me perhaps feel in love with him, but I'll say upfront that it didn't last long because our friendship grew so strong that for me, he's one of my most precious possessions.

My friends are my most precious possessions.

Today, a huge part of my stability and mental sanity belong to them. Every day, I think: "How was their day? Are they okay? Did they drink water today?" They've always been with me through my worst moments, the good times, and even the nonsensical things I say to try and brighten their day... until, after all that, I started dating and wanted to become a good person for my best friend and the love of my life. I started therapy; I really kept a lot of things bottled up in my head. Everything in this life passes, and I realized that... I was the one who was really depriving myself of the world. Many people really cared about me; they didn't want the worst for me. I reassured my mind that I would continue, like a line from a song by Yung Lixo, one of my favorite artists, says:

"Flowers blooming, it's spring all year round, even though September is ending, the new era is coming, this time of yours is the future, it's spring all year round."

I was afraid, afraid of myself, of judgment, of the outside world. I hallucinated daily, alone in my dirty, cold, and empty apartment. My family together always felt so distant. My father was always the best person I could have, my mother always loved me in her cold way, and in the end, she was similar to me, cured now, she's a sweetheart. My older brother was always a troublemaker and busybody, my younger brother was always one of the most affected by my parents' turbulent relationship. After a long time, my parents separated because of a fight my mother had with me. My father, unable to tolerate her in that mental state, separated from her, but he never stopped loving her, helping her with treatment and support. They love each other very much, but together it doesn't work. After that, my younger brother ended up becoming my "son," I love him very much, my baby... my boyfriend lives with me and he,I feel like the house has warmed up so much. My father found a beautiful, kind, and caring young woman. My mother has started to be happy with friends and to express herself through photography, an old hobby she had buried. My big brother got married abroad and has a very cute daughter, my niece. I love her so much; I'm best friends with his wife, and with him too.

Now, looking at my own life, if I looked at a photo of our family and friends now, it makes me want to grow old. If God gave me another chance, I would do everything the same. I'm learning to appreciate the world and discovering that it's a big and beautiful goodbye because, a farewell doesn't always have to be sad, right? Saying it like that makes it sound like I'm going to die...LOL

Just a daily note from my heart, I love you, whoever I'm thinking of while reading this. <3