distractions (vent)

i havent gotten better. i dont think i have. im still the mean ungrateful girl ive always been. the guilt-tripping nobody , you name it!

there are good people in my life that i dont deserve at all. i love them to death but i am so horrible i just know theyll leave one day. yet i will be sad when they do! per usual. i lost a lot of friends a few months ago and weakened some bonds. its all my fault,,per usual. it feels like i am a ticking time bomb tbh.

i keep distracting myself with video games and youtube videos because i would rather do anything and everything but focus on myself. dealing with myself is a chore. i dont like myself. i love being online though!

im in a lot of pain right now so my thoughts are spiraling all over the place. im trying to distract myself right now but i guess its just not working sorry. i feel really lonely..........but im in a call with my boyfriend. its so weird how i will always feel alone whether im with people or not. hes really good at making me forget that i hate myself though. i love him so much....

im glad that the people i once knew moved on from me . i do not know if i want to deal with my horrid past any longer ;_;