everybody wants to be understood

When i am at my lowest and am feeling particularly pessimistic, i envision a lonely lonely future for myself. That in thirty years, i will still not have found that perfect social circle i'd always longed for. a safe space. and i say that with no amount of dismissal to the lively presence of my current friends- all beautiful souls i feel nothing but gratitude to have been fortunate enough to cross paths with in this little life of ours. yet i can't shake this feeling of estrangement. this persistent, nagging virus inside me that prevents me from feeling comfortable. i am uncomfortable Everywhere and its gotten to the point where i am beginning to lose hope.  i want to feel connection. i want to naturally relate to others, instead of having to pretend. i'd like a best friend, a mutual understanding and agreement that we are each other's closest friend and i want to make time for each other and i want to laugh together to real genuine jokes that we both find just as funny. i want to forget that awkward silences were ever a common occurrence in my greatest attempts at a deeper friendship. i am skilled at pretending for the people i love, but did i even love them in the first place? would they still feel that love if i did show them my true self? maybe an ounce of respect? there Is no answer, and there won't be an answer, because more than anything i am stubborn. the selfish part of me yearns for a  friend group full of kind human beings who find genuine enjoyment in my presence, in my thoughts, in my interests. the realistic part of me knows that im not that interesting. sometimes, i feel i am most useful to my friends when i am strictly a listener. a good listener, at that. but could you blame me? i consider myself a 'people person', not in the same way an extrovert would, but rather in that of an overtly curious introvert. i am completely and utterly fascinated by the lives of others. and i love a good story. perhaps it's the reassurance; the evidence that solidifies our reality as it is: that every human being in the world is a unique person with their own unique opinions, conjured up as a summation of their life up to this very moment. that the way one chose their outfit in the morning had been a decision, although minute, made within the context of their upbringing and adulthood beyond. im not devoid of empathy. I just wish, i wish so badly i had the ability to reciprocate the feelings of my peers who all seemingly share a language so foreign it might as well be of extraterrestrial society. well, if anything, i would be the alien in this situation. but you get my point. in a universe full of life, i can't seem to find my 'people'. and it is very, very isolating.