pet loss :-(

i have to put down my cat on monday. i still have a couple days to hang out with her before she's taken to the vet and everything but i have no clue how im gonna handle her loss. ive had two other cats that passed but i was fairly young so i dont really remember/they didn't effect me as much but ive had this cat my whole life, hell, she's older than i am, and i cant imagine going my whole day without her howling at my feet asking to be fed again. it is what's best for her and i know that. she's an old lady and she's lived a good long life. she got to the point where she doesn't eat sold foods anymore and can't really control her bowls so it is really over for her. im already so fucking devastated. i was talking to my sister about the appointment and that's when i was told she's actually being put down. we were talking about it right in front of her and she doesn't even know it's coming. i feel so guilty for her having to be put down but it's what my family thinks is the best option for her. we can't do much to help her anymore and it's just so hard. 

i paused writing this to take a shower and while i was taking it i think she could here me crying. she hopped in and played in the water, the first time I've seen her play in months, and kept trying to look up at me but stopped because water was getting in her eyes. im gonna miss her so much. she's so stupid yet so smart. she's wrapped up in a towel and on top of a blanket on heated flooring to try and warm her up. im gonna miss her trying to steal my food. im gonna miss her weird obsession with bathtubs. im gonna miss her running around and slamming into my door in the middle of the night. im gonna miss her biting my feet through blankets. im gonna miss her so much.