Let's spill a little life - day 1

If I'm to use this account for anything, might as well make it a diary of sorts to store away in the deepest corner of the internet. but also what better way to vent a diary than ot being a diary that can get feedback from strangers. But anyway...

To make summarize my life ling story short, I'm gay, I have ADHD and Autism I'm in my late 20's out of work taking highschool all over again and feeling like I made all the wrong choices, it been very hard to stomach and I more any more been closer to just umm...."quitting" ...but of all things, despite being what I am, I been looking into biblical stuff to gain some ancient wisdom at first, but next thing i know after a few events and other things i really can't begin to get into, something sparked in me into having faith.

Obviously this leaves me in a contradictory conundrum as I'm mostly gayish, bi for trans girls, on paper this sounds like a big no go. I been looking all over and trying to have my own talks with myself and others, trying to go deep into the prayer for answers. but it just still seems so split. As most of the faith is adiment on the sinnful nature of anything not "naturally" hetero. I'm still trying to figure it out and contemplate it as obviously I'm not the only person with this ordeal, but in an empty area it sure feels lonely here. However I don't believe an all knowing God who's universe are at his metaphorical endless grasp really cares if i happen to like the same gender or a trans person. I know there is stuff the book says. and it's too easy for some people to say I'm "excusing my sin". They are right, because someones attraction is tied to who they are, a gay person likes another of their gender as a straight person dose to their opposite. and to think that existing is nothing more than just a sin. or as people like to put it "a test from God". I honestly don't know. It's all just confusing.

Sorry for the religious ranting, it's a bit unavoidable when you are neck deep in the contradictory lives. I trust that I'll find the answers I need and I trust that despite what ignorant humans say, God does have his plan with me regardless of the situation.