Dad

I've always wanted to see the look on your face when I made the presentation with the fold out presentation boards and flip charts with accompanying diagrams and footnotes detailing everything that I am, everything I've done. It's been five years.

Oh man would you make a funny face! To see the actor's biography, really get to know me. If you could see the depths of cruelty, pain, elation, and wonderment I've put people through and been put through myself. We'd have to start all over.

Hey dad, who do you think can drink more in a sitting? We never arm wrestled. I don't know how old you were. You never met my dog.

I'm not mad, I swear. I never missed you. I mean that in a good way. You didn't really hurt me. I'm old enough to understand mistakes, now. I grew up.

I bet I'm just like you. I bet I think of the same cosmic shit you did, and neither of us would ever talk to anyone about it. I bet we both would feel like it would hurt a mind to understand us fully, and result in no real good. Were you as rebellious? How many felonies did you get away with? How many holidays did you just want to sleep?

Life happens, dad. I know it. I learned it the hard way. Anyone who didn't learn it the hard way never learned it.

Am I sad and smart because you were sad and smart? Does it come from grandpa, or from his grandpa? I spend time reading books to discover my caveman heritage, to discover my European heritage, to discover my Canadian heritage. I don't know what you were really like.

I bet we could play Connect Four to a stalemate over and over again. Did you teach me chess? I can't remember. I know what you must have thought. I know you thought I knew as little about you as you did about me. We had each others' eyes memorized though.

You probably thought I was uninterested in you, because I always acted that way.

I bet you think I never think of you.