Do I love myself too much, or am I just running away?

Since I was a little girl I had been telling myself that distance and having my little bubble is my protection. That ignoring my feelings, keeping it all in and not showing weakness is just what I have to do to, not let anyone hurt me. But lately, I’ve started to wonder whether this is hurting me and not my protection.

This question often keeps popping up in my mind when I don’t have anything to distract me from my issues: is it really strong self love that makes me avoid relationships and people that have interest (bad and good ones) in me, or am I running away before anyone gets to leave/hurt me first? It seems like I have lost the ability to see the line between those two.

I would like to think that I love myself, I love the way I make myself smile, I love the way I try to make companion lives better by being there for them and a shoulder they can cry on. But I also know that there is a side of me that is a total pushover, is not able to say no and cannot stand the thought of someone I have a relationship with (platonic or romantic) thinking negatively of me or seeing my “bad” side. I’m scared that once someone notices how I much I love their attention or them in general , they’ll use it against me (on purpose or not). The second someone shows romantic feelings in me or I start to feel romantic feelings towards someone I immediately feel the need to shut it down. Whether it’s by friend zoning myself or them, finding any reason why it is not possible for us to like each other or even delusion myself into thinking that they hate me/ like me out of pity or want to make fun of me, there is always a need to find a reason why there is no way someone else than me is not able to like/love me.

I have never been in a relationship and I don’t think that I should get into one as long that I have unresolved issues. Maybe this is just another excuse but I would just be to worried and paranoid and I don’t want to make this someone else’s problem as long as I can.

I hope you liked my first real post (ignore the other one 🫣) I’m not sure if this counts as ranting or something but I feel like a lot of people feel like this and I want them to know that they are not alone. English is not my first language btw 
Bye byeeee 

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