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Lately I have been once again dying over my gender yay! yay.
I do not wish to make transitioning as a child look evil as im pretty sure most cases its not bad and turns out great I am just a unfortunate circumstance where too much support kinda suffocated me during my transition and made me rush thru it all.
I frequently have issues with my gender identity and my body bc of this. I have a deeply conflicting relationship with my body post medical transition. I spend a lot of time mourning my pre transition body knowing ill never have it back. but i also sometimes stare at myself in the mirror for hours on end obsessing over how much i like my body so IDK.
I never had time to explore my gender, I was pushed to transition the second it got out that sometimes I liked being treated like a boy. it sucks, I live with a lot of regrets.
But i also deeply do not always identify as female. this sounds odd but my gender feels dependent on the people I'm around. i present primarily as male, and ask most people to treat me as such.
strangers, family, coworkers, i all prefer to have them see and address me as male
friends, I don't mind if they see me as nonbinary, or use he/they
people I'm very close to, i suddenly feel very feminine around and like being treated as a girl thought of as a girl etc. i even like when very certain people use she her pronouns for me. which is a HARD no for 90% of people.
I harbor a lot of jealousy towards people who got to spend their teen years exploring gender when I was thrust into one little box and stuck there. I harbor a lot of jealousy to people who have transitioned later in life and had a choice in whether to medically transitioned or not.
I get called lucky a lot for transitioning at such a young age, socially at 10 medically at 12/13.
I feel like I didn't have a choice then and now I'm spending so much time as an adult struggling. It sucks. I hate it. I feel very lonely because of this. I feel like I don't know who I am or where I fit in and its frustrating as hell. I'm not sure what to do other than keep thinking about it, keep trying things. but its very difficult when I'm mourning my old body still.
gahhh . wateveah.
I just wanted to share my thoughts. maybe u guys have some on gender and transitioning as well.
much love
a wolf on the web
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♡ jovi 🐹
ive only transitioned socially so i dont personally know what the physical side is like.. i do have thoughts about my gender sometimes but having DID kind of screws with gender in a weird way so i mostly chalk it up to that. but sometimes i think im nonbinary or something idk but i also feel comfortable continuing to identify as cis. but maybe i can relate in a small way because as only one part in a system im not really "allowed" (?? not da right word im too tired) to present bodily as feminine in any way, because the person that we are as one guy is.. a masc guy. im restricted mentally by my alters and socially by living with family who are transphobic in the first place and will think ive somehow changed my mind or something if i decide to dress girly for a day -_-
i wish everyone could experiment with gender and expression at any time without worrying. in general
Ya I feel like having any form of personality, dissociative, or schizoaffective type disorder makes gender even 17 times more difficult to process T^T
I have a ton of issues with gender when im going through episodes or feeling particularly narcish because how i carry myself and how people perceive me do count on how i present gender wise.
Ah life with brain so fun
by xX_Dyrk_Nyte_Xx; ; Report