Not Ready

My dad received a letter this morning. It was from the school. I thought it would just be about my terrible grades, and I'd shrug it off like I did every other time. But it was not. It was a warning that they would take him to court if my truancy continued. He just told me to go to school more, he didn't bother to yell at me or punish me or anything. I think he's realized that doing that wouldn't work even if he wanted to. I don't really care what my dad thinks, or about him as a whole. But this letter broke me personally.

I guess its a wake-up call. I think I had always been truly alone. I had surface level friendships, but I never felt truly in line, like I actually had a deep connection with anyone. Nobody to really talk about my hobbies with, nobody to share fun memories with, and no shoulders to cry on. The start of freshman year was when it got really bad. I completely stopped giving any effort in school. I stopped doing anything. I didn't keep any friendships from my middle school, so I had to start from scratch to at least form the illusion of a social life. But I didn't. I retreated into my room whenever I could, and at school I became completely absent minded, hollow. I had creative writing as a nice class environment, a break from all the monotony of the rest of the day, but I couldn't seem to really join all the fun the rest of my classmates were having. Even though social connection was the one thing I craved above all else, I was mentally holding myself back from reaching out. Some people tried talking to me, but in the end I would disengage or cut them off. Completely self inflicted social isolation.

This year it got even worse. I've already talked about how little I actually go to school, I go half the day or not at all most of the time. I completely stopped even caring about my socializing, only talking in passing to acquaintances that popped up. It felt kind of liberating at first. I could just focus on doing what I liked doing, collecting old media, and messing around with old technology, and sorts of things. I didn't have any more obligations, my parents had stopped truly caring and I had fully decided on taking the California Proficiency Program test to get out of high school, so I stopped being stressed about me, well, not doing any work. But after a while, the desire for social connection came back, and with it, a feeling that I had wasted my childhood. Like, I'm SIXTEEN now, which is still obviously young, but I'm nearing adulthood. And I'm sitting around wasting all my time with playing video games and tearing apart computers. I don't really have any memories to speak of, to look back on fondly. Everyone else is living their childhood years to the fullest, going to parties and trying new things, while I can't even do anything as simple as making a friend. I'm living in a past I never had.

Maybe that's why I put off taking the proficiency exam for so long. I'm definitely smart enough to do it, and the test is something that you can schedule so there aren't any set testing dates, but I haven't even considered when I was going to do it, just that I eventually was. Because ultimately, taking that test means leaving this stage of my life behind. I would have to get a job, and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I would have to finally get around to getting my drivers license and begin saving and planning for the future. It's not like I could do something as wasteful and unproductive as just taking a two year vacation. I couldn't let myself do that. I would lock myself away, not leaving my room, just like I am now. Not that this economy would allow me that anyway though.

But I'm still scared to move forward. I wished time could just wait for me as long as I needed, to sort my stupid self out, to finally attain that high school experience I had dreamed of, to have people who cared about me, and people I could care about. But time marches on, with or without me. The education system that can't accept that it failed me demands I either find a way out as soon as possible, or get with the program and show up to brain-rotting classes and do the assigned busywork like everyone else. I now need to leave, I need to become an adult, because I'm past the point of no return with my grades and if I keep going along as I am now the law is gonna get involved. I don't see an outcome where I end up happy, one where I can enjoy my life without simultaneously messing it up. I'm so done.