if you* understood that

the cause of your existence was the infinite trying to experience itself, which could only happen in a finite realm, you might appreciate your self and its sovereignty more

which is to say that you would become less tolerant of egoistic behaviour that will gladly violate the foundational reason of your being- the experience of separation so that you may rejoin the whole in an enriching manner- so that they may benefit disproportionately from your generosity. they will ignore the fact that relationships are give-and-take affairs at their own peril, yes; but yours also. this is why that feeling of 'being used' causes such great distress.

the issue I have with buddhism- the one that's currently keeping me from undertaking a more serious study of it- is that it is accepting of that behaviour to the point of complacency. and don't get me wrong, I've gotten a lot out of adapting a mindset of non-attachment to the behaviour and attitudes of others. but when facing the possibility of real harm, at what point do we need to cross the line from detachment into resistance? what sort of transgression is large enough to be considered a serious violation of one's own freedom, one worth acting on?

I just struggle to accept the idea that we can be infinitely generous with our resources (including those of the emotional realm, as someone with a strong consciousness of trauma and the mind), and that it Always benefits us to be so. maybe that's my own ego talking, but I can't shake the feeling that the self *deserves* to exist as its own unique entity, and that turning away from others' attempts to encroach upon us isn't sufficient to keep us from being overrun. how can we be generous if we are being drained by parasites? how are we supposed to remain open and motivated in our mission?

I had an encounter last year when I was knee-deep into a(n admittedly pretty good) book on buddhism, and despite the selfless generosity with my time and resources that emerged from it, I left that interaction feeling pretty bad, actually. and I didn't understand why until today, when I worked through my fear-paralysis reflex with a family friend, who emphasised to me that I deserve to deny users and abusers access to my energy. 

I'm still not sure I'm ready to accept that some people are 'bad people' rather than the sum of their dysfunctional parts, but I'm trying to accept that your right to exist in peace and happiness is more important than their right to be treated with love and compassion. ultimately, you are only you, trying to experience yourself. why accept such disproportionate exchanges with others? 

*talking to nobody in particular