addiction is no joke

TW DRUG USE (xanax, weed, Adderall, benadryl, lol etc)

 for the past couple of years ive vaped and smoked weed, but I always said to myself, "I'm not addicted, it's just that if someone offers something im not gonna turn it down," buttttt turns out that IS addiction! ive gotten "caught" so many times this year its not even funny haha lol

last year in like september it was my first day back at school since i went on a cruise and i hit my cart and i greened out so hard i swore i would never smoke weed again, but then the next week at school, this boy i like asked me if i wantd to get high with him in the locker rooms and i just couldnt turn that shit down. so all over again i was back on that train of smoking at 5 am and smoking/vaping until I went to sleep. 

but then on november 19th, the day before my brother's birthda,y mind you, i got high asl in the morning, and it felt great, but then I ended up getting written up for having my phone out in class, so I got it taken when I got home. when my mom got om she said she wanted to drug test me( after I had greened out in september she bought loads of thc and nic drug tests, but never used them on me, so I thought I was cool) so obvi i pissed dirty and I got in huge trouble. those couple of weeks after I went through serious withdrawl and I saw how addicte i actually was. 

but then I found out I could still smoke nicotine if I just chugged a bottle of water after each hit to get it out of my system (it obvi didnt actually work, butIi was so convinced it did), so once again, I was back smoking every da,y except only at school since i was too scared to actually take anything home. 

then over winter break the one time my parents tested me it was negitive since it was like 5 days after the last time i smoked anything. but the following 3 weeks after my mom had stopped testing me so i had lit been thinking thta god wit blessing me with a mom that just stopped caring (i now its so fucked up to even say) but then this friday my mom woke me up and i tried to hurry up and go to the bathroom so she couldnt ask me to take a test (like she had done before) but when i opened my door she was already standing there, test in had;c. so obvi i got in trouble, and my mom said she was gonna tell my school and that shedidn'tt even care if they kicked me out of the criminal justice system (my school), but i dont think she actually did lol, since I never even got called down anywhere.

ANYWAY, I really do wanna stop smoking, but this kid that I REALLYREALLY like and have liked since last year smokes, and I feel like the only way to have interactions with him is to talk about smoking, so I really just don't know what to do. i havent had my phone in so long because I keep getting tested and it comes back positive, and I really want my phone back, soI'mm thinking that for the next 1-2 months I'm just gonna stop doing weed and nic.

BUTTTTTTTTTTT, i dont know why i didnt say this earlier,r but anytime I stop doing weed or nic i feel the need to do something else that gives me that kind of buzz, and last year aorund october i started xanax. its terrible, addictive, and makes me feel like shit with guilt afterwards, but it gets the job done! I'm already craving it now that I haven't smoked in a couple of days, and my friendLeilaa is gonna give me abt 10-12 pills this week, so idk. it like either i smoe weed and nic, or I do xanax and benny, there's no inbetween and I i need serious help i think LOL

I want to stop smoking and doing xanax and pills in general, but ifI don'tt do them I feel so alone in my thoughts  and it hurts idfk man help lmao