I read girl magazines

I found a big box of old girl magazines in a dead woman's storage unit. Every one of them is hilarious. Apparently Hillary Duff was a really big deal back in the day, and the average weight of an American was something like 27 pounds.

They all have "inside secrets" about men. Things we want and never say, things we say and never mean. A lot of these secrets are about what we find sexually appealing.

It goes without saying that:

1) Everything printed in these magazines is horseshit and

2) I read girl magazines.

I'm sure the right shade of eyeliner, the right sized waist and belly button piercing is really really hot to a lot of guys. The kind of guys that the kind of girls who used to read this shit wanted to have. Guys who wear backwards baseball caps, talk about stereo equipment and substitute swear words for an actual moderately developed vocabulary. There is a degree to which I realize I am describing myself. Fuck.

I don't want you to get the idea I'm bitter or jealous. If you read my blog you're contractually bound to agree with everything I say and take my side of stories over fact. I seriously hate douchey guys and I seriously hate their groupies in tight black yoga pants, pastel crop tops, blonde hair and personality of a girl-magazine reading blonde thot standing next to her who is her best friend 4 lyf until one of them talks about the other behind her back.

I'm also severely digressing. The point of this entry was to illustrate things guys, or real men*, who watch movies without fight scenes, things these men find sexy. A list that has never been published in Seventeen or YM and never will (do they still exist?) And if you're a girl this is supposed to somehow help you out.

*I'm not implying I'm a real man. For the remainder of this entry I will, however, speak for a royal 'Me'

I'll stray from the umbrella obviousii, like girls adoring my dog or being able to hang out with my best friend without me there and not fucking him, and try to provide genuinely unique advice that boxes all human beings up into disgusting little packages the way the girl magazines of old did it. The list is separated into desired reaction or opinion. 

Sexy

Sexy panties. I'm serious. And while I loathe the word 'panties' for being so pornographically bastardized or something, it should be noted that a really sexy bra is not nearly as important so saying sexy 'underwear' could be misleading. Note it doesn't take much to make panties sexy. They're fucking panties, after all. Anything that doesn't come wrapped in plastic would work, just illustrate that you have some interest in your underwear and it becomes sexy. Boy shorts and hip huggers are S tier though.

T-shirt, aforementioned panties, holster, toy guns. Or real guns.

A cut off shirt exposing midriff, with emo/ska style suspenders underneath the shirt. Is this too specific? Probably uncomfortable. It is ideal you do not buy a midriff exposing shirt, but make it yourself

Get horny and aggressive at inopportune times, like we do. And even if we reject you in favor of employment or a family obligation, know how much we appreciate it anyway and that all we're thinking of is exiting the inopportune situation to find a janitor's closet.

Bite. Despite whatever perceptions you may have, it is universal. 

Hot

Any interest or knowledge of dumb shit like video games or bad movies. This is not as geek oriented as it may seem, since all men love dumb shit in one form or another and even if the dumb shit you like is different from the dumb shit we like, we're just impressed that you like dumb shit. A girl who likes lightsabres is just that much more of a keeper even though I fucking hate Star Wars.

Being able to, under any circumstances and in any game, beat us in a competitive video game when we are trying our hardest. If you are not into video games or have no access to them for practice, challenge us while we're drunk. It still counts.

Know what type of girl we most detest, and dunk on rhe bitch before we do when encountering one.

If you are physically attractive and we are at a party, use every opportunity an unknowing guy hits on you to non-verbally communicate that you are with us, and you prefer us to him in every possible regard.

Bring us alcoholic beverages and drugs. While not actually hot itself, this lies somewhere between being cute for caring about us, and being sexy for wanting us to get fucked up. Whether you intend to take advantage of us later when we get drunk or not, we will think that is your intention.

Take advantage of us while we are drunk.

Cute

Playful and aggressive rough housing. Associated is not freaking out if you get hurt, and not freaking out if you hurt us. Rough housing with your dog also works, and rough housing with our dog is even better. If our dog playfully bites you and you playfully bite it back, get in the janitor's closet immediately.

If you know more than we do about a scientific theory or a mechanical process we discuss, let us badly explain it to you anyway. At least the first time. This is just so important to us.

Let us know if our favorite show, the one you hate, is about to come on.

Endearing

Having a strong and devoted relationship with all of your immediate family. Since this is not something you can easily control or suddenly begin doing, just know that if you have one it would pay to make it known. If you don't, don't worry about it, some girls are for doing drugs with and that can be you.

An elevated concern and consoling for minor injuries we may suffer, especially if you cause them. Not so elevated, though, as to make us think you genuinely think we can't take it, as we are even more fragile in this way.

In Conclusion

Above all, be yourself. Seriously. No, not the way girl magazines would tell you to be yourself. Seriously seriously. Do not read lists like this and try to act out of character because of them. If you don't like lightsabres, don't fake it, and please don't feel obligated to bite my dog. That would confuse and offend him and he's very stupid. It should be embarrassing if you read this entry and found yourself agreeing with any of it that didn't happen to apply to you already.