Vent, please don't let me yap again

I don't belong anywhere 

But i want to

And i want it to hurt. I want to remember that I'm alive, that I'm not another number in the system 

I have the same urge as every human to not be forgotten, to exist in this history of self betrayal and lack of preservation because humans are as stupid as they're emotional creatures 

And the overwhelming feelings at the same time aren't enough

I am not enough

I have to remember I'll die, yet remember to live every day

Let everyone do what t they want and forget i want too

I forget myself sometimes

I forgot my name once, forgot who gave it to me, forgot why i chose a new one, forgot that my brain can't sit still for some reason and that I'll forget the cause of my name, the perpetrator of this whole circus parade going on in my brain just because I decided to have feelings, to be human, to acknowledge that I have a conscience 

I am guilty of all that has happened to me

Yet I want to rage against everyone for not noticing how my actions are out of instinct and memory and not because it's me

I am not joyous, I am not nice

If my heart wasn't so stupid I would leave everyone to rot without me because I'd be better than them

I would leave everyone behind

And even that feels like a fucking lie

Because even when i tried

The universe brought me back to them

I run in circles while chasing myself

I chase my shadow

I'M GOING TO BE SIXTEEN, GODDAMMIT 

WHY DOES THIS FUCKED UP, IDIOTIC SOCIETY FEEL LIKE WE HAVE TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT SO SOON

I'm sixteen, yet I don't want to be here anymore

I want to grow up and go back at the same time

I want to forget everyone that has left a mark in me and not let anyone else do it, ever

Yet i can't 

Because I am human

Just like everyone else

But something doesn't quite click

Because if we're all humans why do we kill each other 

Why do we take advantage of vulnerabilities, why do we not let people succeed in what they're good at

Why do we not lt them live

Why are we so behind when we're, supposedly, the most intelligent animal on this planet

Honestly I dont want to think about that anymore 

The pressure of knowing I'm powerless against this and defenseless to myself is heavy on my chest, even when it shouldn't be

I've forgotten who I am by now, forgotten why I love and how to do it

I feel excluded in my own life

Because everyone makes space for bubbly stupid s that is childish and looks like they'll never be able to live by themselves 

But they never notice how he looks when he's alone

No, they never notice the same person staring too long at the mirror

Staring at them or himself Wondering 

Why am I even here? 

I sometimes regret not being able to die

Being too scared to be myself and of everything 

I know deep inside i wasn't meant to be like that

There's gotta be a name for that, no? 

Go ask precious little chat gpt about it, mom, maybe the world will stop healing itself

I genuinely can't with grown people

They make me feel way too much

More than I should

Why is it still not enough

I really don't know how to end this

I've wanted to rant for a long time, honestly 

I'll be really embarrassed if anyone reads this

Yet my first thought when I was writing was to publish it to the world.