Being Transgender

I wish I could go back in time and live my life as a cis girl.

It's a thought that crosses my mind every once in a while. It's a thought that crosses anyone's mind if they're transgender. I wonder what it would be like, the friends I'd make, how different my life would be. It's likely that nothing would have changed, but at least I'd be more comfortable in my skin.

I hate my body, at least right now I do. Whenever I'm in a heightened state of depression these thoughts get louder. Makes me cry a lot. My body type doesn't fit either gender, I feel. It's like I'm some sort of in-between creature. Too feminine to be a guy, too odd looking to be a girl. My voice is the same. My voice hasn't really changed since I was 14 years old. It's stuck between teenage boy and girl. Stuck between being ma'am'd on the phone and getting sir'd in person.

Estrogen has done wonders for me. Dampened my sex drive, given me softer skin, less body hair, breasts, etc. Regardless, I still feel the ways I do. I still feel like a fake girl. One of my best friends told me recently that the only life I live is my own, and that I should make it count. I agree with her, but it doesn't make this life any less challenging to live.