♪"How do I feel this good sober?"♪ ~P!nk (TW/CW: Addiction-Alcoholism)

First time I got drunk I was 12. I drank before that, but I guess it took a few tries to get it right. It was crazy easy to get when you had friends who had parents who drank.

By the time I got to high school, I figured out there were also people who didn't mind buying for minors. I'd get a liter of soda, down half, and fill the rest with vodka... Sipped on that the first few classes, finishing it off at lunch. MAYBE I'd go to the rest of my classes but more than likely I'd cut and go try to find some more trouble.

I've tried to quit SO many times. Been to treatment, tried the whole AA thing... It was easier to get off meth, I kid you not. Except when I got pregnant. Although some of the "morning sickness" might have been withdrawal. 

If I'd have been smart, I'd have left it at that... 

Hahaha... Since when do I do anything the EASY way...

I made excuses. 

"I'll only drink on the weekends..."

"I won't drink every day..."

"...well, my bills are paid and my kids are fed. WTF..."

Suddenly I'd be right back where I was... Moderation and I have never had much to say to each other... Right back to at least a fifth a day... I'd buy it in pints. I still don't get that "logic" but it made sense in my alcohol-addled brain. It was probably just easier to pour. HA. 

After so many attempts, this is by FAR the most successful. 

Three years! Three. Fucking. Years. 

1,096 days.

What makes this time different? The only thing I can think of that I've done different is NOT RUN. They say you have to WANT it. Whatever. I don't want this. I want the BUZZ. I want that Johnny Walker burn at the back of my throat. I want that Jameson warmth in my belly. I miss it like FUCK, and I embrace that. Every other time, I just tried to avoid the very thought of it all. Running is never the answer, man...

I ALSO want my health. That stomach lining is pretty important, it turns out, as are brain cells! I also like remembering entire nights and not falling on my face.

So, I guess it comes down to what you want more... 

I'm not saying I'll never drink again. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone who does drink. Hell, have one for me! 

Maybe someday I'll give Moderation a call and see if either of us have grown up. HAHAHAHA. I joke, and I doubt it... The utter disappointment I feel when I have a dream about drinking tells me how much my sobriety means to me...

I guess I still have demons that need to be fought sober...

If you're struggling, I am not here to tell you that my way is THE way. It's what works for me. I WILL, however, tell you that even on your darkest days, the bright ones will make it worth it. I promise.