the Prophetic Perfect Tense and Manifestation

one thing i am afraid to be is disappointed. i can be wrong, mistaken, dumb, angry, frustrated, annoyed, confused...even if i don't like being those things, i can accept being them. but one thing that i just can't bear being, is disappointed. 

so i learn one day about Prophetic Perfect Tense, the literary device used throughout the bible to "describe future events that are so certain to happen that they are referred to in the past tense, as if they had already happened", and i think to myself about all the manifestation gurls who really emphasize speaking on your desires as if they've already come to pass, to sort of seal the deal and really manifest whatever you're manifesting.

i have the habit of constantly switching tenses when i speak or write, and sometimes i even struggle to keep up when editing because i really do have an odd & fluid perception of time & space. i also have very strong pattern recognition, and sometimes speak in absolutes based on nothing but my own gut and observation, and generally speaking, know that i am a very resolved and assured speaker; until i am talking about my desires. 

then, i am very unsure. i suddenly don't have a great handle on the possibilities, and feel out of touch with any patterns or evidence or trajectories in front of me, and i struggle to speak with confidence or certainty, or even just with enough room and flexibility to remain open to my own success.

instead i say "i hope" and "yeah, right. i wish" and things like "if that ever happens" "if it is at all possible" "if by some miracle"....

the prophetic perfect tense suggests disappointment, but the very nature of the device is to say there is no other possibility, no other timeline, no other reality than the one that is coming, and so much so we can freely, and without disappointment or confusion, speak about it in past tense. how incredible and ridiculous.

but i want to be incredible, even if ridiculous, and every day since January 1st i've been spending hours a day dedicated to a different task or interest that makes me feel small, ridiculous, stupid, and fucking incredible.

i'm doing it because four years ago in January 2022, i made the decision to go completely sober, and four years later, i still am. i'm not a stranger to a new year resolution, and when i really want to commit to one, i have shown myself i can. so this year is another resolution, to be so unafraid of disappointment that i allow myself to speak in the prophetic perfect tense about who i am, what i will do, and where i'll be.

or rather, who i was, what i've done, and where i've been. 

there is no other possibility, no other timeline, and no other reality than the one that is coming for me. so much so, that i can freely, and without disappointment or confusion, speak about it in past tense. it might be incredible and ridiculous, but i was a star, and i made bodies and bodies of creative work that was musical, lyrical, literary, and visual. 

i made albums, performed them on stages, and danced in very glittery outfits. i went to dozens of countries, and hundreds of cities, and swam in so many pools, so many beaches, dived in so many springs, saw so many animals, took pictures in front of a thousand sunrises, and laid in the grass under a million sunsets, and wove on looms, and played my favorite (and only) bass guitar around the world, and i had the time of my life on ice skates (once i finally learned how).

i did a backflip. and a handstand. i sang and somebody cried. i went on a very long, scenic run once, and never felt the need to do it again because that one was so fulfilling. then i changed my mind and ran in every meadow i found, because i found a lot of meadows, buzzing with a lot of bees, and i picked flowers and picked fruits and built my own house with a small team of dedicated people, and i had a pool in courtyard of my house, because yes, my house had a pool and a courtyard.

i got married. i visited florida every year, and puerto rico every two or three. i wrote and starred in a buddy comedy series with my best friend, and my doberman lived to 100 (or 15 if i'm being honest). i had so many friends, and went to so many parties, and wore so many shoes, and had so many tattoos, and my hair stopped at my knees.

i was beautiful. and healthy. and i lived such a long, luxurious, luscious life, and it was free, and exciting, and sexy and fun, and even when it ended it never ended, and all of my success came to me at the right moment - right before i could convince myself it would never come.

and my life was incredible, and many times ridiculous, and thankfully, there was no other possibility, no other timeline, and no other reality than the one that came for me, and i lived it to the fullest, and i can forever freely, and without disappointment or confusion, speak about it in past tense.

byeeee <3