cuteness conflict

hi

i feel so horrible. just how am i exactly supposed to deal with life? it's so complicated

...... 

i feel so horrible,, like a monster. i've always felt this way, but lately it's been really strznge

Because makeup doesn't do anything anymore . it used to be somehow efficient, i ws capable of ignoring how hideous i am

i feel like the effect is wearing out,     why? it's like no matter how much i put on it melts and shows everyone how laughable i am,,,  im aware everyone probably thins i'm ugly either way, but at least i could stand it,, somehow i was able to focus only on the product on my face

but lately i can't help but see what's underneath

it makes me terribly sad

i miss when i could pretend i was someone else. I could say anything and do anything, like a normal person

likea normal person

i hate being reminded of how abnormal

it's so hard to describe what i feel

or perhaps my language is just as mediocre as i am

gosh

i hate mirrors i hate ,, i love watching evrrythign. witnessing all sorts of cute things. i love cuteness to such an extent i despise everything less than cute,

including myself

there are some people i truly hate ,,,, especially because of their 'cuteness' attempts... that are just honestly pathetic

so pathetic that tthinking about it irks me!!!!

   i'm just as pathetic

i probably am. i surely am! But at least i'm trying! right? i've been taking risks!  putting myself out at school with pounds of makeup on..... risking being mocked for sure... risking bringing so much negative attention towards me. risking being unhealthy. risking losing my hair. risking delaying my growth..... borrowing time from my sleep cycles just to get ready...... i've been doing a lot. for a long time too, so it can't be the same, right? 

being cute isn't about manners only. If you don't know how to do it properly or if you look too messy to look at, you'll never be cute. 

i need to put more efforts into it! maybe then,,,  it'll be better i'll be better

....;.. Then if it's  impossible to fix, then i'll get my whole face beaten and whipped until it changes. and if it doesn't, i'll still look somewhat cute. after all, there is so much beauty in pain! crying is cute bleeding is cute it's aaaall so cute!!!!!

if mirrors didn't exist it would still be so  .... troubling

why should i be able to see any part of  myself? why should i be a visual body? .........         i hate looking at my shoulders

i hate noticing them in the corner of my eyes even when i'm looking away

and if i was invisible,

it would still be anguishing

when i close my eyes, in hope of finding in life a similarity to death, in hope of just feeling at peace,  i can feel every single inch of my body

why? i can feel every horrendously shaped bones, their size, the uncomfortable skin laying on top, the messy layers, the hate inducing face expressions        

it makes me feel like pulling off my skin, ripping out my limbs, ,,, i wish i could cut myself into pieces, and resew it all together

piece it together into cuteness ,, if i could i'd do my best.;

can i? 

but even then,, would i be able to stand myself as a person? 

i'm a lesser than being,,, a subhuman, a monster, a cavity, a virus, a rotten puddle of puke, i'm not even worthy of breathing. but my body won't ever let me stop breathing

i'm very aware of how impossibly low i stand in the univers hierarchy  ,,, but i can't help but try somehow to be better=

i can't help but wish to feel content. As if i deserved to be ...... 3w3

WHATEVER! being this sad does no good! it's just not cute!

i'm already a masochist, so i just need to train myself to enjoy feeling emotional pain, in addition to what's physical!ヾ(´〇`)ﾉ♪♪♪