My dog is a chick magnet

My dog almost died today. Bruiser. He got out of the house we've been staying at and one of the neighbors called to say they found him. He almost got hit by a car and this girl watched it and was all hysterical. I was surprisingly calm, probably because I didn't have to actually see it and probably because I know Bruiser would do more damage to a car than a car would do to him. It was apparently a pretty close call, and I think I prefer not to think about it.

I don't know how he got out of the house. I was out again most of the day, and the girl's call brought me home early. This girl, "Dempsy" according to my current "landlord", was insane and stupid. Or maybe she just talked really fast. When I finally got her directions to me (her insistance) I think she either wanted to date me or make me pay to clean her truck. Bruiser was filthy.

She asked for my phone number and suggested we hang out since she thinks we live so near each other and are roughly the same age and I am incredibly attractive and have a great dog who is filthy and wet. He was wet, by the way. He must have got in a swimming pool made of lava and toxic waste, because he was wet and gross. I told her it was the same number as on the dog tag. The one that, you know, she just called. She said "Oh yeah" im a way which sounded like it was short for "Oh yeah I AM INSANE."

She talked a lot and made no eye contact. She talked at an angle, a 30 or 40 degree angle. I was groggy and probably still a little drunk. That was confusing to me. I thought she might have a really lazy eye, so lazy that she can't go a day without colliding with six or seven door frames. At least.

If she calls I'm ignoring the phone. I don't want to clean her truck. Though I am gracious she returned Bruiser.