self conscious about myself

Now Playing... Breadcrumb Trail - Slint ⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻

i have like.. a horrible habit of getting SUPER hyper around my friends at hangouts, and then i feel HORRIBLE about it later. i've just come back from a hangout and i had a monster n shit and i really feel like i fucked around TOO much and ohhhghghggg... why am i like this

i feel like i cuss too much and make too many dick jokes and people don't like it. i can find myself getting chill with people like REALLY quick too, and i never really think *in the moment.*

one of my friends' mom already doesn't quite like me because she met me after homecoming back in like october and thinks im ALWAYS like that, but that was when i was super hyper. I really wanna blame this on my antidepressants for causing this but likee??? i want to be RESPONSIBLE. but basically, im like not welcome at this friends house because i swore in the car. it MAKES sense but now i feel HORRIBLE because like she and this band with a bunch of mutual friends hung out there today and i feel like im missing out on something horrible ill hear about next week, but this time i actually know it happened beforehand unlike how it was in middle school.

maybe i need to have monsters less, but most of these times i DONT have energy drinks, i just did today and ohghg... i get so self conscious afterwards... did i talk too much? did i overshare? did i say something out of pocket.. oghghggg... do these new people hate mee?

like, i had soo much fun but theres also times i feel i ruined the moment, and did embarassing shit in a kroger. idk.. its soooo soo soo hard sometimes socializing and i wish i wasnt SO shy when i was younger.

dont mind how much i styled this pleease, i like.. really am bored and this monster energy needs to go somewhere... aahhhh.