What I did today

I climbed a hill to get to the store because I don't like to drive and I don't want to feel people staring at me. They don't ever really stare but I always expect them to because I feel really strange and dissociated and it always surprises me that people see me as a real person. I think I have a problem with holding an image of myself in my head. When I look in the mirror, I barely see myself, and then when I move away from it I forget what I saw completely. I guess I just have to trust everyone else that I haven't devolved into a pile of teeth and skin and live with having an underdeveloped sense of self. Anyway, I was climbing this hill, and it was muddy, and no matter how careful you are stepping around and between it you always end up splattered and your shoes ruined. And the mud made it hard to get my footing, so I kept almost falling flat on my face and having to put a hand out to catch myself, so now my hands are muddy and my shoes are muddy and there's patches of it on my clothes. And this would all have been easier if I'd just gotten in my car and driven three minutes to the store. But If I turned around to go home now, I knew that I'd just give up completely and be without cigarettes, and I'd rather be cold and muddy with cigarettes than without. So I got to the end of the hill and my foot slipped, but my hand was busy fixing my earbuds this time, so I fell face first into the mud. Why do I do these things to myself when I literally still had a vape at home? But I don't want white gummy ice. I want a goddamn cigarette. I thought a walk would be nice because the rain made the grass look pretty but I forgot about the dirt underneath. Freak my stupid chungus life