I'm terrified of falling in love

I constantly think falling in love must be the most wonderful thing in the world, the thrill of being w someone and loving them sincerely must be incredible. But as soon as this strange feeling (which I don’t rly know much abt) arrives, I run away like a coward. I’ve seen my closest friends in relationships, some family members, &  there r even days when I just stand there watching random couples on the street, always thinking it must be amazing, but it scares me.

It scares me to love someone so much I don’t know what to do anymore. It scares me that my heart will be broken & I’ll be left for someone else. It scares me that I won’t live up to expectations or express myself properly & end up hurting the other person. I’m not saying I’ve never been attracted to anyone (Obviously, at some point I became physically attracted 2 someone) but that’s it.

I’ve never loved nor been in love, bc every time I have the chance to open up to someone who genuinely shows interest in me, I panic in a thousand different ways. They make me feel a certain repulsion towards (although I don't think it's because of them themselves) but because of what they feel towards me. I’m not proud of this at all, & I know it probably sounds awful, but I’d rather walk away than stay in something I don’t like, & that disgusts me, u know?

I hate this feeling, & I don’t know if I’ll ever meet someone who can change it. It frustrates me so much. I want to be so in love, down to the very last hair on my head, that my soul needs the other person to exist, love so much I can finally give my heart and die in his hands if he so desires. 

Ugh, I so wish I could love someone and I don’t know what the hell to do T.T